Where's The Loyalty: Being Truthful in a Relationship

A great relationship requires many things. But the one I want to talk about is “Loyalty”. What is Loyalty? What is Truth? Are we evaluating ourselves first before acquiring the relationship with our partner? In order to understand what the other person is, we have to truly fulfill our destiny and learn from our mistakes. We all are guilty of telling lies. But we can’t continue being dishonest with others. Later I will give my acronym of “RELATIONSHIP” That every couple should think through. But for now, sticking with Loyalty, I see a sense that there are those couples who lost their loyalty for each other. When the loyalty becomes lost for each other, the loyalty becomes lost in ourselves. Have you ever been through a good relationship and once a break-up occurs and it’s called off, you’re stuck with the question “What have I done wrong?”. There are numerous questions we are often left with besides “what have I done wrong?”. For instance, we are also left thinking if perhaps the stuff being said in the relationship itself were lies or dis-honest feelings. Be thoughtful in what you say and also be thoughtful of your actions. What we get caught up in is telling someone what THEY want to hear versus what they actually want to hear.

No matter how big or small the lie is, you should always tell the truth to your partner. Even if it’s something that they might get offended about, the truth is always better than a cover up. If you cover up one lie, you are now stuck with telling others lies to cover up that one. A lot of times, if you’re caught lying, the guilt and shame in your self will continue to grow and will haunt you. So with that said, be honest to yourself. It’s not just about saying and doing things what makes others happy, but that you’re able to carry out the right thing within you. If you’re loyal and true to yourself first, you are able to carry it with the next person around you. Tell the person how you feel and what you feel. If any situation or question comes up, be mindful on how to address it. If he/she doesn’t agree, don’t pressure it but accept it. Sometimes it may require a little push and shove if they’re too stubborn. The loyalty within the relationship begins with how we are loyal to ourselves. A Relationship is Family, and Loyalty must always be the number one rule in Family. Obey yourself and obey others.

@RonaldAtkinson9 

Rebounds After A Break-up: Smart questions for both men and women.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we have our reasons, but other times we hold our truths and reasons on the inside. First thing’s first, Men, when we see that girl we want, do we have a goal we’re trying to accomplish? I believe I had mentioned in a previous blog that we must set ourselves with a goal and plan to be with someone. Why are we not thinking on long-term affects? What will things be like 2 years from now? Incase you didn’t realize, females WILL see the long terms. They think they’re the right one, and the only one.  Don’t forget that!!!

The one thing that really concerns me about a relationship is when couples get out of a “Great” relationship and end up with someone else in a heartbeat. We all call them “Rebounds”  A rebound is someone who you date/go out with to keep yourself busy and you use him/her to keep your mind off your ex who you still have feelings for.

Dear Ladies, how exactly can we go from a great relationship, to a break-up, and then on to another relationship in less than a month? I have seen great relationships that had potential, and by potential I mean there was a great foundation and chemistry between the two partners. I also have witness and talked to ladies going through their grieving heartache process and say “Right now I don’t want to end up with anyone else, I want to focus on me, school, and other things in my future”.  Ladies, It’s great that you make the promise to yourself, but you have to realize that if you broke up with someone you have been with for at least a year plus, how exactly do you get over someone you had a lot of great memories with just that quick? Now I understand that we must quickly move on, but how quickly do we actually need to move on? Men this can also apply to you as well. But before I go on to another subject, I want to say that you have to fully allow yourself to heal completely. Sure there’s always someone who is willing to take your [ex] partner’s last place and fill in the gaps that he/she hasn’t done, but sometimes it may not always be what you think. Another point that ties in to this is applying meaningful words and actions. On the other hand, don’t say things you have said in a previous relationship and say it again in the next one.

 For example,

 “I am so happy to have you in my life, I couldn’t have been more thankful”

“You are the best person I can’t live without”

“You are beautiful and the only one with a key to my heart”

Stuff like that can make us [men or women] look bad on two different levels. Now I understand that perhaps you may have had a bad [previous] relationship, but realize that we’re all humans, we all make mistakes, and we’re all not the same people. I understand that if one chapter closes another one opens. But,  we have to think broadly of our decisions and the choices we make that betters’ ourselves, and environment.

I can tell you one thing….If you have ever been deeply in love with someone or in a relationship where it was close enough to become a marriage, and y’all two ever brake up, I can honestly say it takes a very long time to get over that person. Maybe that’s just me and everyone has a different way of looking at their situations. But as oppose to a break-up, if that person has done everything for you, willing to fix a lot, and keep the relationship going, there is absolutely no reason as to why you want to break-up. Don’t throw away a precious jewel.

Remember to set a goal, and determine your reasons for everything. When you heal, venture out, but remember every person you meet has and will impact your life in some sort of way.  Refer back to my old blog “Going Through A Break-Up”. And always remember that you should never rebound to another relationship just to get over the heartbreak. If someone does ever comes along and try to take his/her place, I would always give it some time. Keep him/her near and dear, but don’t act so quickly.  Now men, I know sometimes you want the girl you want, but PLEASE don’t lie to the girl and say stuff in the beginning and not show it. You should take all you can and raise the bar and standards up a few levels…I’ll talk about that on another blog. But in the mean time, continue to do great in all things, and think smart when it comes to relationship decisions.

Twitter: @RonaldAtkinson9

Looking and Talking Vs. Analyzing and Reflecting Part One.

Everyone knows that before getting into a relationship, looks come first. We “look” at the person we want based on “looks” of that person. Whether it’s the beauty on the outside, the clothes, the body….There’s always SOMETHING that triggers our mentality to be attracted to that person. Usually it last up to a [short] period of time. It often goes that once we see that person, we go talk to that person. That part I’m okay with because you want to have established a little something with him/her like a conversation. But the real question is, are you thinking beyond the realm of the situation? When we look, we talk to others around us or we rush to talk to that person. The one thing we forget to do is talk to ourselves. In others words, our minds may play one role and say one thing, but our hearts is always saying another. We don’t often think or talk about the long-term status quo[ The future] because our main focus is the other person. Some people know exactly when not to get into a relationship and when it may be the right time. Usually it depends on if we are fully ready to be in one.

Looks and Beauty

Beauty is the eye of the beholder. What does beauty mean to you? When we reflect beauty on another person, we look at the outside. Beauty is beyond the physical features. Beauty is about that person as a whole. Not what he/she can contribute to a relationship, but how she contributes him/herself as a person. Don’t always set fourth a relationship just because a person is physically attractive….Sometimes it may not be what you think.  Are you looking at the outside? Are you only analyzing from what you see when a person wears certain clothes? How can you read somebody if you’re judging by their clothing and style?

Analyze and Reflect

The reason why most relationships fail is because we forget about this category in which I am explaining. We need to analyze the situation, ourselves, and the other person.  We may “date” that other person, but sometimes things don’t always appear to be as time continues on due to the fact that things change constantly. In other words, by dating you, are letting yourself and that other person getting to know who you really are. Everyday there is always something new to analyze and reflect upon each other.  

First you have to analyze yourself and compare your flaws and character. In other words, what are some changes you need to fix yourself? Then analyze the goal you are trying to pursue with that person. Do you have long-term or short-term goals? Ask yourself these questions below.

            -How will this person affect me positively and negatively?

            -What are the goals am I trying to pursue with this person?

            -In what ways do I know this person is right for me?

            -Morals, Values, and Character: How much will they play within the relationship? Will it create positive impacts or negative impacts

            - How will this person accept my family and treat those around me?

Analyze what the family may think. How socially can he/she be accepted and treated?

Those are the things we need to look at first before making the move. I’m not saying that you should take all of the time in the world, but at least take them into consideration.

Don’t just look at the beauty of what that person has on the outside, instead, look at what that person is worth.

Arguments

Don’t just argue and waste your energy on the other person’s flaws. Instead, fix what can be fixed. Talk to yourself at what you’re trying to pursue. If you are in a long relationship or marriage, just reflect on what’s given, and analyze for what you both have done for each other. One of the biggest things is letting silly arguments become the bigger factor within a relationship. If you let it grow, it will cause stress and tension between the two. Know when to stop, know when to take it to a new point to fix things up. Think about when you first got that person, there had to have been a goal or a common factor of why you’re together. Always analyze your problems and reflect what can be done better. 

Reflecting on Life: Great Blessings On The Past

There are times in our lives where are number one goal is to aim for what the future may have in store, but we forget to stop and let things really sink in. One of the things we all know is that we must place our past behind us and move forward. I use that quote a lot, but only if the things in your past were not all that pleasant. I’ve heard many college students say that they can’t wait to move out of the house. But the moment they’re in college, they realize how grateful they are for their parents and family in their lives who are there for them. Now I know not everyone has had the best family, but I can say that you should be blessed that you had a family that didn’t give you up to someone else. Be blessed that you lived in a house, and had food to eat. Even though sometimes things didn’t work out, and you had to stand up to be the man/woman of the house, you can use that to teach YOUR child to be better people. What you learn from the past can benefit how you are willing to fix it for the future.

I can admit that there were times I wanted to give up, but I never stopped trying. Even when things get bad, I always had to make decisions on what’s best. I also had to stop and count my blessings. Know this right here…. When you’re going through a hard time and is on the edge of giving up, think about the past where you were placed in the same situations and called on God to get you through. Did He get you through? If so, what makes you think He won’t deliver you from your current situations? You have to trust yourself and not worry about the outcome. Faith IS believing the impossible by not seeing. So in other words, stop and be happy about things. Count all of the great blessings of your past, and know that if you have gotten this far, there are more doors waiting to be open. Keep going on your journey non-stop.  Find new opportunities to branch out to.  

From time to time I often think about how much of a blessing life has been. Memories of the past shared with great friends, and family is something I wouldn’t trade in the world. Everyone who I met has impact me and taught me things from here and there in which I am thankful for. If you take the moment and reflect on life and the past, just forget about the bad stuff, and start thinking of all the wonderful things that mattered most to you. Family, Friends, the good memories you had growing up, many blessings that were outpoured on you. All I can say is be grateful for what you had then, and what you have now. Even though life may seem to get hard and we all have to adapt to change everyday, just reflect on positive things from back then, and presently. If you didn’t have a good past, what can you take in the present time and make it a great lasting memory. If you’re willing to make a great memory, make it a impactful memory.  Life is very short, so use it wisely!! Life is also very beautiful if you can cherish it. Life is all around youJ

The Venn Diagram Affect: 100%, 200%, and the 80/20 Rule.

There are times in our lives where we think in order to be in a happy and successful person, we must be in a relationship. Technically, I can’t speak for everyone, so it all depends on how we choose to think and live. However, there are times in our lives where we do say “I need someone to be my other half”. In other words, we say that we are missing half of ourselves and don’t feel fully complete unless we have another person who puts in 50% of the time within one relationship. I, on the other hand think we should push further than 50 %. We as humans know that in order to grow, we must establish a foundation for ourselves and proceed to build both within and out.

The Venn Diagram Affect:

In one of my past blogs, I discussed that a stable relationship is like the Venn diagram affect (His, Hers, and Faith).  If you draw a circle and split it down the middle, you have two halves that equal out to be 100. One half is you, and the other half is your partner. Write your partner’s strengths in one side, and now write your strengths in your half. Now with that said, how equally do those strengths stand together? Do they add up? What about you and your partner’s weakness? What about the problems? How can you solve those “together”?

Now draw two circles in a form of a Venn diagram. On One side is you, and on the other side is your partner. In the middle, write down the struggles, weaknesses, and problems. In my last blog, I talked more about how to stabilize with faith using a three circle Venn diagram, but for now, I’m talking about putting in effort between two. 

50-50 split: Problems, Roles, and Struggles.

Now back to the “one circle” affect (50-50 diagram), and think about how much effort are you putting into each other. We got the positive things listed, but forget the important stuff. Where are the needs, stuggles, and problems? Be able to write them down beside the corresponding circles. If we look closely, we see that two people have separate problems, struggles, and roles, but sometimes we don’t work the struggles and problems off because one person is “busy”. So now what? Is it always that person’s fault? It’s a chance, but do we have to solve them ourselves? How big are the problems? Sometimes we forget that our problems can take more than one person to solve.

What about the “roles” such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the things we need to be doing but we don’t because either it’s not always our responsibility or we are too busy to do them?  Sure we each have “roles” to play, but that doesn’t mean we should shrug somebody off and hold them accountable for not taking a step up to do something that they “need” to be doing. This sort of mind behavior is what damages relationships and causes divorce and break-ups. Each of you must learn to cooperate. If you both can’t cooperate, things will not get done. If things don’t get done, then step up to handle the business for a certain extent. What you have to understand is to not get mad at each other while playing the blame game over little things. Too much arguing in a relationship is very unhealthy. As a couple, it’s important to work on management skills.

The 80/20 Rule:

I remember when Bishop T.D. Jakes talked about this topic in which most people seem to forget. There will be some things I will quote from his words, and some from my perspective.

“Nothing in life is going to give you 100% of what you want it to be. Not in life, not in a job, not in others, and not even a relationship”-[Paraphrased from T.D. Jakes.]

The thing is, we expect so much of what we are getting, we only receive 80% of our expectations. The 80% of what we receive becomes less of our expectations and we slowly focus on the 20%. The way T.D. Jakes says it couldn’t be a much better explanation. “You forget what you are getting and you start focusing on what you’re not getting until what you’re not getting is bigger than what you are getting”. So in other words,(by him) “In love you are never going to find the 100% of what you're looking for in a mate, mostly about 80%. Of course you'll see that left over 20% in others and that may sway your attention because that's the missing portion you've been looking for. However if you leave your 80% for that other you'll only be getting 20% and now in need of 80%.

Most relationships fail because two people forget the value of the 80% that they are blessed with versus what they want or expected. We need to forget about what we don’t have and focus on what may slowly take time to come within the future. We may give our partner 100%, but now realize they might feel as if it’s 80%. So they will either argue or leave you based on not meeting their expectations. Those of you who are on the verge of wanting to “leave” the relationship, just think how blessed you are at this point. It’s never going to be easy by arguing, but in order to work things out, it takes time and more than one person. If you both cooperate, it may turn out to be the 100% you worked for. It’s not easy to forget about the 20% because that mentality has been drilled in our heads for so long. Realize that the 20% is only wants and expectations. Nobody is perfect to fully be 100% because our human traits will not allow it. Nobody’s perfect, but within the 80% were sacrifices, promises, and all sorts of things that made reality happen. Be grateful for that person, and focus on the positive, because once you leave the 80 for the 20, you’ll be missing the 80 and will probably not get it back.

Final Thought

Look at a relationship as if it was an investment. When you view your relationship, look at it to be 200% total all together. Give your partner 100 percent of the time whether it is listening, watching, or accommodating your partner’s needs.

Know that you should slowly begin to watch each other’s problems and then help them before your partner begins to ask, talk, or tries to solve them on their own. Instead of putting in 50% that equals out to be a 100% relationship, put in 100% of your time and strength so your entire relationship adds up to 200%. Don’t go off and play the blame game and point fingers to others, but rather actually try to fix the problems in the relationship. Always find a way to make things work even if things go bad. With two 100% “complete” people involved in the relationship, you can have control in taking it to a positive right direction. Understand that you can always make negative situations turn into positive situations when your partner can’t meet her end of a relationship.  When drawing your relationship Venn diagram, know that you both can work out the struggles stuck between. Stop the arguing and start working.  Recognize your contributions, recognize your partner’s contributions, and grow from it. Just because your partner may not see the full 100% you put in, doesn’t mean you should stop trying to work for that 200% goal. Remember your 100% equals your partner’s 80%. But with both of you, 200%= the full 100% within the 80/20 rule.

Analyze the 80/20 rule within your relationship, but work towards that 200% equally. If you add faith it becomes 300%