Building The Foundation: The Forgotten Phase of A Relationship

It’s been awhile since I last posted about love and relationships, but I thought I’d re-touch on this subject matter. For the past couple of years, my dad has been trying to get me to talk to this girl in which I have absolutely no interest in. However, he always brings up something in which seems reasonable. Whenever I go back to my hometown, he always says “You need to have that one female friend that you can just call, talk, and hangout.” Then he’ll say, “you’re not trying to date that person, but you’re just establishing a friendship.” Now, I’ve been through this before, so it’s not the first time I have heard this. As a matter of fact, I have even been through it.  But this is something that continues to run through my mind. In past blogs, I have mentioned the five phases of the relationship. We begin with the honeymoon phase, and then work our way into the reality phase. To be honest, that’s wrong! It should all start with a foundation. Like all relationships, it has to start somewhere. In today’s world, it’s easy to go on social media and look at pictures, videos, snaps, written statuses and so on, just to find out about that person. YouTube sensation star, Spoken Reasons, once said that it’s like our online menu. We think we might know a person’s personality, but we don’t. Here’s what we miss, and where we go wrong.

1. We don’t think with our brains: Too often, we’re attracted to a person, physically. We shrug those who don’t look like ‘tens’ and go straight for the ones who do. What we forget, is that everyone is out to chase that person. Often times we don’t approach them the right way.
2. Getting to know them: You may think you know them, but you really don’t. Going back to the five phases, we start to see a person’s true colors when we hit the reality phase of a relationship. That shouldn’t be the case anymore. We’re so quick to jump into a relationship and rush things, but not take the time to get to know someone. Getting to know someone takes time, and it constantly develops throughout the process. Here, we have to not think about the relationship, but who this person is as a friend. The talking may happen in this stage, but it requires more than that. Hanging out with that person, doing things for that person, conversing with one another, and just enjoying the fact that you are being your own true self without trying to impress that person. This is when/how the foundation is already established. Without thinking about dating the person, relationship goals, or the future, you’re already in the present, and the foundation has already been built. You have built enough time to show each other who you truly, and you already know that with this, trust is built.
3. Submission: When you’re getting to know that person without thinking in terms of love, you have already submitted to each other. This doesn’t mean you’re committed to each other, but it means that you both have done things together in your like and understanding. You’re comfortable around this person, and what we also forget to realize, is that submission is a form of intimate foreplay. This doesn’t mean anything in a sexual way, but doing things together shows and creates a strong level of intimacy. Talking, hanging out, laughter, activities, are all ways to be intimate in the friendship with each other. Submission in the form of intimacy foreplay, is also a tool to increase the intellectual mindset of two people. This can be the time where two people may spark an interest and liking for someone. How? Because the foundation has already been established.

There’s a reason why many people who get married, say “I am glad to have marry my best friend!” Noticed that I said “BEST FRIEND!”  And a lot of times, when couples get together, they rarely have interest in each other. It’s the friendship of building that foundation. The point of what I’m saying is, you don’t have to be in love to get into the relationship. It takes time, and it’s more of a growing process. When you go through the phase of building the foundation, the love interest will come. That’s why I always say “Let Love Find You!” because you’re letting life take you places. You’re letting things take you places. You’re sailing to where a road may end up. You’re on the journey’s path, not the other way around.

Isn’t it crazy how sometimes we can hang out with our friends, but when a conflict happens in which they’re interested in someone else, our world can be shot down? Or maybe when something happens, we’re so quick to help that person out and protect him/her? That’s because the foundation has been established within our hearts and minds. We have seen what the person has to offer, and now it can be taken a step further to what Love. Like the old biblical saying “Love is patient, and Love is kind.”

When I was young, crushing was about seeing that girl on the playground and falling in love. Now that I’m older, I think any crush is just a phase, until I am ready to see what we BOTH can offer as friends. Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t date anyone, but I atleast would like to get to know them in a deeper way. That’s why as two people, we have to learn how to grow into the relationship. I go by this…

Every relationship must have what I like to call “The Three F’s.” This is something I live by everytime someone asks the question “What do I want in a relationship?”

Faithful: How faithful and loyal are you to this person? Are you faithful to his or her family? Are you faithful to her wants and needs? You must establish the loyalty.

Fun: Every relationship should be an enjoyment both to and of each other. What fun and exciting things are you doing within the relationship? This keeps the excitement going. It’s healthy to have a fun relationship where you can be yourself and also explore the different types of intimacies within.

Freaky: You must keep the spice in the relationship alive. It’s very healthy to maintain pleasurable activities in the bedroom. This does your body good, and increases the physical side of being intimate with each other. There are tons that couples can do that will advance sexual activity. This is the medicine to a healthy sex life.

Conclusion: Too often, we’re so quick to wanting and jumping to have a relationship without taking the time to fully get to know someone. We always forget this very first phase, and it can quickly pass us in a blink of an eye. Build your solid foundation without the idea of liking someone. Let the love grow through friendship. And realize that this is where the true intimacy/foreplay begins. And last but not least, never judge a book by its cover. Or should I say, never judge a human by its social media.

With Love,

Ronald Atkinson.