There are times in our lives where we think in order to be
in a happy and successful person, we must be in a relationship. Technically, I
can’t speak for everyone, so it all depends on how we choose to think and live.
However, there are times in our lives where we do say “I need someone to be my
other half”. In other words, we say that we are missing half of ourselves and
don’t feel fully complete unless we have another person who puts in 50% of the
time within one relationship. I, on the other hand think we should push further
than 50 %. We as humans know that in order to grow, we must establish a
foundation for ourselves and proceed to build both within and out.
The Venn Diagram Affect:
In one of my past blogs, I discussed that a stable relationship
is like the Venn diagram affect (His, Hers, and Faith). If you draw a circle and split it down the
middle, you have two halves that equal out to be 100. One half is you, and the
other half is your partner. Write your partner’s strengths in one side, and now
write your strengths in your half. Now with that said, how equally do those
strengths stand together? Do they add up? What about you and your partner’s
weakness? What about the problems? How can you solve those “together”?
Now draw two circles in a form of a Venn diagram. On One
side is you, and on the other side is your partner. In the middle, write down
the struggles, weaknesses, and problems. In my last blog, I talked more about
how to stabilize with faith using a three circle Venn diagram, but for now, I’m
talking about putting in effort between two.
50-50 split:
Problems, Roles, and Struggles.
Now back to the “one circle” affect (50-50 diagram), and
think about how much effort are you putting into each other. We got the
positive things listed, but forget the important stuff. Where are the needs, stuggles, and problems? Be able to write them
down beside the corresponding circles. If we look closely, we see that two
people have separate problems, struggles, and roles, but sometimes we don’t
work the struggles and problems off because one person is “busy”. So now what? Is it always that person’s fault? It’s
a chance, but do we have to solve them
ourselves? How big are the problems? Sometimes we forget that our problems can
take more than one person to solve.
What about the
“roles” such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the things we need to be doing but
we don’t because either it’s not always our responsibility or we are too busy
to do them? Sure we each have “roles”
to play, but that doesn’t mean we should shrug somebody off and hold them
accountable for not taking a step up to do something that they “need” to be
doing. This sort of mind behavior is what damages relationships and causes
divorce and break-ups. Each of you must learn to cooperate. If you both can’t
cooperate, things will not get done. If things don’t get done, then step up to
handle the business for a certain extent. What you have to understand is to not
get mad at each other while playing the blame game over little things. Too much
arguing in a relationship is very unhealthy. As a couple, it’s important to
work on management skills.
The 80/20 Rule:
I remember when Bishop T.D. Jakes talked about this topic in
which most people seem to forget. There will be some things I will quote from
his words, and some from my perspective.
“Nothing in life is
going to give you 100% of what you want it to be. Not in life, not in a job,
not in others, and not even a relationship”-[Paraphrased from T.D. Jakes.]
The thing is, we expect so much of what we are getting, we
only receive 80% of our expectations. The 80% of what we receive becomes less
of our expectations and we slowly focus on the 20%. The way T.D. Jakes says it
couldn’t be a much better explanation. “You
forget what you are getting and you start focusing on what you’re not getting
until what you’re not getting is bigger than what you are getting”. So in
other words,(by him) “In love you are
never going to find the 100% of what you're looking for in a mate, mostly about
80%. Of course you'll see that left over 20% in others and that may sway your
attention because that's the missing portion you've been looking for. However
if you leave your 80% for that other you'll only be getting 20% and now in need
of 80%.
Most relationships fail because two people forget the value
of the 80% that they are blessed with versus what they want or expected. We
need to forget about what we don’t have and focus on what may slowly take time
to come within the future. We may give our partner 100%, but now realize they
might feel as if it’s 80%. So they will either argue or leave you based on not
meeting their expectations. Those of you who are on the verge of wanting to
“leave” the relationship, just think how blessed you are at this point. It’s
never going to be easy by arguing, but in order to work things out, it takes
time and more than one person. If you both cooperate, it may turn out to be the
100% you worked for. It’s not easy to forget about the 20% because that
mentality has been drilled in our heads for so long. Realize that the 20% is
only wants and expectations. Nobody is perfect to fully be 100% because our
human traits will not allow it. Nobody’s perfect, but within the 80% were
sacrifices, promises, and all sorts of things that made reality happen. Be
grateful for that person, and focus on the positive, because once you leave the
80 for the 20, you’ll be missing the 80 and will probably not get it back.
Final Thought
Look at a relationship as if it was an investment. When you
view your relationship, look at it to be 200% total all together. Give your partner 100 percent of the time
whether it is listening, watching, or accommodating your partner’s needs.
Know that you should slowly begin to watch each other’s
problems and then help them before your partner begins to ask, talk, or tries
to solve them on their own. Instead of putting in 50% that equals out to be a
100% relationship, put in 100% of your time and strength so your entire
relationship adds up to 200%. Don’t go off and play the blame game and point
fingers to others, but rather actually try to fix the problems in the relationship.
Always find a way to make things work even if things go bad. With two 100% “complete” people involved in the
relationship, you can have control in taking it to a positive right direction. Understand
that you can always make negative situations turn into positive situations when
your partner can’t meet her end of a relationship. When drawing your relationship Venn diagram,
know that you both can work out the struggles stuck between. Stop the arguing
and start working. Recognize your
contributions, recognize your partner’s contributions, and grow from it. Just
because your partner may not see the full 100% you put in, doesn’t mean you
should stop trying to work for that 200% goal. Remember your 100% equals your partner’s 80%. But with both of you,
200%= the full 100% within the 80/20 rule.
Analyze the 80/20 rule within your relationship, but work
towards that 200% equally. If you add faith it becomes 300%
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