Looking and Talking Vs. Analyzing and Reflecting Part One.

Everyone knows that before getting into a relationship, looks come first. We “look” at the person we want based on “looks” of that person. Whether it’s the beauty on the outside, the clothes, the body….There’s always SOMETHING that triggers our mentality to be attracted to that person. Usually it last up to a [short] period of time. It often goes that once we see that person, we go talk to that person. That part I’m okay with because you want to have established a little something with him/her like a conversation. But the real question is, are you thinking beyond the realm of the situation? When we look, we talk to others around us or we rush to talk to that person. The one thing we forget to do is talk to ourselves. In others words, our minds may play one role and say one thing, but our hearts is always saying another. We don’t often think or talk about the long-term status quo[ The future] because our main focus is the other person. Some people know exactly when not to get into a relationship and when it may be the right time. Usually it depends on if we are fully ready to be in one.

Looks and Beauty

Beauty is the eye of the beholder. What does beauty mean to you? When we reflect beauty on another person, we look at the outside. Beauty is beyond the physical features. Beauty is about that person as a whole. Not what he/she can contribute to a relationship, but how she contributes him/herself as a person. Don’t always set fourth a relationship just because a person is physically attractive….Sometimes it may not be what you think.  Are you looking at the outside? Are you only analyzing from what you see when a person wears certain clothes? How can you read somebody if you’re judging by their clothing and style?

Analyze and Reflect

The reason why most relationships fail is because we forget about this category in which I am explaining. We need to analyze the situation, ourselves, and the other person.  We may “date” that other person, but sometimes things don’t always appear to be as time continues on due to the fact that things change constantly. In other words, by dating you, are letting yourself and that other person getting to know who you really are. Everyday there is always something new to analyze and reflect upon each other.  

First you have to analyze yourself and compare your flaws and character. In other words, what are some changes you need to fix yourself? Then analyze the goal you are trying to pursue with that person. Do you have long-term or short-term goals? Ask yourself these questions below.

            -How will this person affect me positively and negatively?

            -What are the goals am I trying to pursue with this person?

            -In what ways do I know this person is right for me?

            -Morals, Values, and Character: How much will they play within the relationship? Will it create positive impacts or negative impacts

            - How will this person accept my family and treat those around me?

Analyze what the family may think. How socially can he/she be accepted and treated?

Those are the things we need to look at first before making the move. I’m not saying that you should take all of the time in the world, but at least take them into consideration.

Don’t just look at the beauty of what that person has on the outside, instead, look at what that person is worth.

Arguments

Don’t just argue and waste your energy on the other person’s flaws. Instead, fix what can be fixed. Talk to yourself at what you’re trying to pursue. If you are in a long relationship or marriage, just reflect on what’s given, and analyze for what you both have done for each other. One of the biggest things is letting silly arguments become the bigger factor within a relationship. If you let it grow, it will cause stress and tension between the two. Know when to stop, know when to take it to a new point to fix things up. Think about when you first got that person, there had to have been a goal or a common factor of why you’re together. Always analyze your problems and reflect what can be done better. 

Reflecting on Life: Great Blessings On The Past

There are times in our lives where are number one goal is to aim for what the future may have in store, but we forget to stop and let things really sink in. One of the things we all know is that we must place our past behind us and move forward. I use that quote a lot, but only if the things in your past were not all that pleasant. I’ve heard many college students say that they can’t wait to move out of the house. But the moment they’re in college, they realize how grateful they are for their parents and family in their lives who are there for them. Now I know not everyone has had the best family, but I can say that you should be blessed that you had a family that didn’t give you up to someone else. Be blessed that you lived in a house, and had food to eat. Even though sometimes things didn’t work out, and you had to stand up to be the man/woman of the house, you can use that to teach YOUR child to be better people. What you learn from the past can benefit how you are willing to fix it for the future.

I can admit that there were times I wanted to give up, but I never stopped trying. Even when things get bad, I always had to make decisions on what’s best. I also had to stop and count my blessings. Know this right here…. When you’re going through a hard time and is on the edge of giving up, think about the past where you were placed in the same situations and called on God to get you through. Did He get you through? If so, what makes you think He won’t deliver you from your current situations? You have to trust yourself and not worry about the outcome. Faith IS believing the impossible by not seeing. So in other words, stop and be happy about things. Count all of the great blessings of your past, and know that if you have gotten this far, there are more doors waiting to be open. Keep going on your journey non-stop.  Find new opportunities to branch out to.  

From time to time I often think about how much of a blessing life has been. Memories of the past shared with great friends, and family is something I wouldn’t trade in the world. Everyone who I met has impact me and taught me things from here and there in which I am thankful for. If you take the moment and reflect on life and the past, just forget about the bad stuff, and start thinking of all the wonderful things that mattered most to you. Family, Friends, the good memories you had growing up, many blessings that were outpoured on you. All I can say is be grateful for what you had then, and what you have now. Even though life may seem to get hard and we all have to adapt to change everyday, just reflect on positive things from back then, and presently. If you didn’t have a good past, what can you take in the present time and make it a great lasting memory. If you’re willing to make a great memory, make it a impactful memory.  Life is very short, so use it wisely!! Life is also very beautiful if you can cherish it. Life is all around youJ

The Venn Diagram Affect: 100%, 200%, and the 80/20 Rule.

There are times in our lives where we think in order to be in a happy and successful person, we must be in a relationship. Technically, I can’t speak for everyone, so it all depends on how we choose to think and live. However, there are times in our lives where we do say “I need someone to be my other half”. In other words, we say that we are missing half of ourselves and don’t feel fully complete unless we have another person who puts in 50% of the time within one relationship. I, on the other hand think we should push further than 50 %. We as humans know that in order to grow, we must establish a foundation for ourselves and proceed to build both within and out.

The Venn Diagram Affect:

In one of my past blogs, I discussed that a stable relationship is like the Venn diagram affect (His, Hers, and Faith).  If you draw a circle and split it down the middle, you have two halves that equal out to be 100. One half is you, and the other half is your partner. Write your partner’s strengths in one side, and now write your strengths in your half. Now with that said, how equally do those strengths stand together? Do they add up? What about you and your partner’s weakness? What about the problems? How can you solve those “together”?

Now draw two circles in a form of a Venn diagram. On One side is you, and on the other side is your partner. In the middle, write down the struggles, weaknesses, and problems. In my last blog, I talked more about how to stabilize with faith using a three circle Venn diagram, but for now, I’m talking about putting in effort between two. 

50-50 split: Problems, Roles, and Struggles.

Now back to the “one circle” affect (50-50 diagram), and think about how much effort are you putting into each other. We got the positive things listed, but forget the important stuff. Where are the needs, stuggles, and problems? Be able to write them down beside the corresponding circles. If we look closely, we see that two people have separate problems, struggles, and roles, but sometimes we don’t work the struggles and problems off because one person is “busy”. So now what? Is it always that person’s fault? It’s a chance, but do we have to solve them ourselves? How big are the problems? Sometimes we forget that our problems can take more than one person to solve.

What about the “roles” such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the things we need to be doing but we don’t because either it’s not always our responsibility or we are too busy to do them?  Sure we each have “roles” to play, but that doesn’t mean we should shrug somebody off and hold them accountable for not taking a step up to do something that they “need” to be doing. This sort of mind behavior is what damages relationships and causes divorce and break-ups. Each of you must learn to cooperate. If you both can’t cooperate, things will not get done. If things don’t get done, then step up to handle the business for a certain extent. What you have to understand is to not get mad at each other while playing the blame game over little things. Too much arguing in a relationship is very unhealthy. As a couple, it’s important to work on management skills.

The 80/20 Rule:

I remember when Bishop T.D. Jakes talked about this topic in which most people seem to forget. There will be some things I will quote from his words, and some from my perspective.

“Nothing in life is going to give you 100% of what you want it to be. Not in life, not in a job, not in others, and not even a relationship”-[Paraphrased from T.D. Jakes.]

The thing is, we expect so much of what we are getting, we only receive 80% of our expectations. The 80% of what we receive becomes less of our expectations and we slowly focus on the 20%. The way T.D. Jakes says it couldn’t be a much better explanation. “You forget what you are getting and you start focusing on what you’re not getting until what you’re not getting is bigger than what you are getting”. So in other words,(by him) “In love you are never going to find the 100% of what you're looking for in a mate, mostly about 80%. Of course you'll see that left over 20% in others and that may sway your attention because that's the missing portion you've been looking for. However if you leave your 80% for that other you'll only be getting 20% and now in need of 80%.

Most relationships fail because two people forget the value of the 80% that they are blessed with versus what they want or expected. We need to forget about what we don’t have and focus on what may slowly take time to come within the future. We may give our partner 100%, but now realize they might feel as if it’s 80%. So they will either argue or leave you based on not meeting their expectations. Those of you who are on the verge of wanting to “leave” the relationship, just think how blessed you are at this point. It’s never going to be easy by arguing, but in order to work things out, it takes time and more than one person. If you both cooperate, it may turn out to be the 100% you worked for. It’s not easy to forget about the 20% because that mentality has been drilled in our heads for so long. Realize that the 20% is only wants and expectations. Nobody is perfect to fully be 100% because our human traits will not allow it. Nobody’s perfect, but within the 80% were sacrifices, promises, and all sorts of things that made reality happen. Be grateful for that person, and focus on the positive, because once you leave the 80 for the 20, you’ll be missing the 80 and will probably not get it back.

Final Thought

Look at a relationship as if it was an investment. When you view your relationship, look at it to be 200% total all together. Give your partner 100 percent of the time whether it is listening, watching, or accommodating your partner’s needs.

Know that you should slowly begin to watch each other’s problems and then help them before your partner begins to ask, talk, or tries to solve them on their own. Instead of putting in 50% that equals out to be a 100% relationship, put in 100% of your time and strength so your entire relationship adds up to 200%. Don’t go off and play the blame game and point fingers to others, but rather actually try to fix the problems in the relationship. Always find a way to make things work even if things go bad. With two 100% “complete” people involved in the relationship, you can have control in taking it to a positive right direction. Understand that you can always make negative situations turn into positive situations when your partner can’t meet her end of a relationship.  When drawing your relationship Venn diagram, know that you both can work out the struggles stuck between. Stop the arguing and start working.  Recognize your contributions, recognize your partner’s contributions, and grow from it. Just because your partner may not see the full 100% you put in, doesn’t mean you should stop trying to work for that 200% goal. Remember your 100% equals your partner’s 80%. But with both of you, 200%= the full 100% within the 80/20 rule.

Analyze the 80/20 rule within your relationship, but work towards that 200% equally. If you add faith it becomes 300%

Relationship Q&A Forum

This blog is unusual to all of the others. I'm always interested in giving advice, and accepting other peoples intake on their views of relationship advice. So I thought about doing a open forum where you can send in your questions (Anonymously), or join in the conversation on providing your best answers and feed back to a question I post. To this question below, I tried to keep the answers short. So of course it's not as detailed, but I hope to have covered some good main points. 

Feel free to join the conversation

Question:

Dear Ronald,

I am so scared to be in another relationship. I have been in past relationships with guys I thought were the one only to find out I’ve been used and mistreated. I have given up on so many things like my family and friends, and things that I like to do. How do I fix myself to not be scared and end up in the same mess?

Answer

Past relationships play an affective role on our mind causing us to not want to go back into that mess. But since we are so accustomed to it, often times we find ourselves getting into a relationship without ever knowing or thinking. Part of the reason is because of lies, the feeling of being wanted, and expectations. Have you been in a relationship where the guy controls you? Maybe he isn’t controlling you physically, but he can control you mentally.  Allow me to break it down in different categories…

                  Lies: Usually there are so many lies couples go through. But the lies I want to discuss are known to be called “broken promises”. Broken promises are simply lies that are usually said in the beginning, but after a break-up happens, it’s going to cause someone to think that everything that was said in the relationship were just lies. Once a break-up happens, we lose trust for that person. Other lies would include “you are the one and only”, “I love you”, and sometimes “we’ll make it work”…Don’t fall in the trap of  “words”

                  Lust: I will discuss this topic later in the future, but I want to say this very briefly. Often times, we get attached to that person very deeply if we have sexual contact with another person. Sex is so powerful, it makes the male/female to think (s)he is the one. Watch out for being caught up in the trap.  If this has been or is a goal, you have been placed as a tool.

                  Strength: no matter what you have been through or where you go, people are watching your every move. Everyone has at least one person “secretly” watching your every move and you don’t even realize it. With that said, when people judge you, they try to look at how weak you are as a person. Because people will see how vulnerable you are, they will take it as a weakness to mess with.

Those three categories is something that we must be smart about. Learn to become stronger by changing the way you think. First, get rid of the past relationships. Past relationships are sometimes past mistakes that we must learn from. The stuff that you didn’t do that you should have done, or the stuff that you did do but should not have done. Remind yourself to not be negative. Become stronger by making sacrifices with yourself. If you want things to change, you must change something within you in order to see new results.

2. Don’t ever give up on the things that you like to do. Sure we make sacrifices for the relationship, but being in a relationship should also be about having fun and doing fun stuff with friends and family together. Balance things out in what to do.

3. Dear ladies, before you “fall” in love with another guy, ask yourself questions and continue to ask the guy questions. You want to “fully” get to know him before saying yes or no. You want to see if he can fulfill his promises and duties by showing repetitive examples. If he can show you(more than once), then he’s a good match. If he says he can do something, give it time and let him prove it. 

4.Does the guy respect himself first? Does he respect his family? If he can respect himself, his family, and others around you, he can surely respect you. If he is a whole different person-Leave and do not be afraid to be bold. Remember you are stronger than what you are worth. There are times where you have to be quick on picking up things that may seem out of place. If you really feel like you’re being controlled, leave. If you are tired of “trying” to work things out and sick of “his” mess, leave.  

Don’t ever be afraid, always be smart.