This phase is the absolutely number one phase where it will
really test your relationship. Remember how your honeymoon phase was like? Kiss
that good bye, because now you have officially come to reality. This is the
phase where you will learn more about the person you’re with, problems and
conflicts, yourself, and independency. The good part about this phase is that it will
define you and your partner. It will also define the true aspects of why you
want to be with this person. The bad part about this phase lies within you
re-thinking your thoughts, anxieties, worries, troubles…Don’t worry, it’s
natural. In my last blog I pointed out
the signs you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Now I’m going to be clear.
The Person you’re
with: Personal Flaws & Habits
In the reality phase, there will be a few things that will
require some change of some sort. Each of you [partners] will have to find ways
to adjust the new way of living. Within this phase, you become more aware of
the flaws, quirks, behavior, and habits that will eventually get on your
nerves. In the honeymoon phase, you would sort-of embraced it yet not let it
bother you to a full extent, but in this phase it’s going to get to your head. They
will some how disgust you so much it could create a problem to you. This is
also where the negative aspects of his/her personality begin to rise. Sometimes
the person you’re with perhaps MIGHT eventually go back to his/her old ways
before the honeymoon phase, but it’s not always true. However, the more
comfortable someone gets, the more that person begins to become his/her true
self. True self and old ways are two different things. Keep in mind that we are
human. We will forever have human habits that will annoy us and causes us to
want to fix each other. We have no control over others.
Conflict:
Fighting is to occur, and in fact, the person you dated back
in the honeymoon phase is slowly but surely not going to be the “sweet and
innocent” person you thought he/she said. In the honeymoon phase, a conflict is
a small issue and may last a couple of hours to a half of a day with the result
of not talking much and eventually a make-up. In this phase, these conflicts
expresses anger, resentment, opinions, and so much more to where you will get
confused, frighten, and eventually thinking about calling off the relationship.
In this phase, it doesn’t require a sorry and a warm and fuzzy, this is the
time where real talk begins. If you’re willing to fix what you want, it’s going
to require differences.
Intimacy:
If you are dating within the phases of the relationship,
chances are there will be a sudden lost of intimacy. Most of the intimacy,
lustful pleasures, and all sorts of stuff will be left in the honeymoon phase.
In other words, sex may become non-existent. What also may become non-existent
is the lack of dating and romanticism. This creates confusion for some thinking
maybe a loss of a partner, perhaps a losing what you feel is most important
that drives the relationship. There’s numerous reasons why there’s a loss for
intimacy But since this is also a broad topic for both married and non-married
couples, I will save it for another detailed blog.
Changing and
Adjusting
Change can happen two ways. A change in yourself, and a
change in your partner. You now have lost the person who YOU once knew inside
(Yourself). Sometimes it may occur to you that you’re not the person you used
to be just because your partner somehow influenced you to be someone you never
were. You may have taken on new activities and there may be times where you may
wake up and get tired of it (if you’re not accustom to it yet). Sometimes
there’s always the typical change for the good. That’s good if you’re changing
to be positive for your sake, but not always for the sake of your partner. Then
there’s the second reason we all know. In the honeymoon phase, we’re so in love
with that person, our ideals, values, and mindset will eventually influence other
person, or vice versa. However, within this phase, we can see a huge change
within our partners. We now have a sense
that we have lost the person that we once knew. We want that person back, and
we do everything in our power to retrieve it.…That’s how relationships
self-destruct because you can’t necessarily change someone to be someone YOU
want them to be. One, you try to pressure your values and beliefs on someone
else’s values and beliefs, and sometimes they may not like or believe
everything you like and believe. “Oh but in the past, (s)He has done this and
that and said all of these things, and…..Stop right there. What you must
realize is everything said in the past was all to please you. Compatibility
isn’t always stable from the start. If you change someone to what YOU want the
person to be like, you weren’t really attracted to that person. If you do,
attraction may go away. My final thought is this, you can’t change someone to
be someone they’re not, you can only guide them to positive directions.
Changing is “controlling” in my book. My ideal is this, HELP Guide your partner to become someone better for the sake of
him/her, their values, the family, and a positive goal/future. Plant the seed,
watch it grow, and help it grow. Each of you has to take the time to adjust not
just for each other, but for yourself.
Adjust to where you will slowly accept the other person as they are.
Adjusting is a key to a successful relationship. Transitioning and adjusting
isn’t fast, easy, nor will it happen overnight. Adjust more on yourself in what
YOU think is right and not consistently on what your partner wants. You have to
adjust just as the relationship adjusts.
Independency and Your
Circle
Suppose you’ve gotten very fed up with your partner, and in
fact you don’t want to spend time with your partner “ALL” of the time. So now
what? This is the time where becoming independent officially goes into play.
Sometimes you need space, and sometimes you need freedom. Go out hang with your
friends. There’s more people outside your circle. This is where you should
start doing more for yourself and enjoyment rather than being clutched on to
your partner. Now this is where it can get out of hand…There are some people
you only trust to keep your talks to. Whatever you say can either eventually
spread out of hand, or eventually pressure you into making decisions in what
THEY want happen. You don’t always want to tell your problems and business out
because for one, it’s sometimes needs to be between you(couples) only. Two,
you’re just now beginning the REALationship
. This doesn’t mean to be open to any suggestions. They can give you advice. So
be willing to get some sort of help. The friends you trust the most, will help
you as much as possible. Sometimes if you separate yourself from the other
person, it will help you build thoughts. Develop independently and become your
own person.
Most break-ups occur within this particular phase whether
it’s a relationship or a marriage. Often times it is said that this is the
phase where people second-guess themselves about choosing to be with the right
person. This is the phase where we tend to miss the past of where everything
was once “romantic” and easy. We feel
that our partner is always wrong so we want them to change but not focus on
adjusting ourselves. Understand that
relationships aren’t always meant to be easy no matter how hard you please
someone or how much you put into it. There will always something that’s willing
to test the waters of the relationship. If you can get through it all now in
this phase, you may reach up to the next phase. But remember, for some couples,
the struggle(s) will eventually become bigger. The problems you face in this
stage could be big or it could be small. But what matters the most is that you
can get through it. It may not be easy but it is possible. This is the phase
where everything you do is about perseverance. If you want things to work, you
can’t give up in trying. Everything you do in this phase is meant to break you
up mentally and physically, but build you up stronger. There is no say in how
long this phase usually last. For some people, the more you get accustom to it,
then you will see that this is how things are.
-Manage
differences and resolve issues
-Communicate
and work together
-We have no
control over others
-Don’t
change each other but keep adjusting positively
And last but not least….. Nobody’s Perfect
There are three routes in which this phase leads to.
Sometimes the Reality phase has two separate parts, but I already combined them
both. In the next phase will be a
somewhat of a continuation of this phase, but just remember, get through these
things first, and we’ll see where the next phase leads up to in your
relationship.
-@RonaldAtkinson9
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