The Phases of a Relationship Part Three: Stability Phase

In the last phase, I discussed how couples will see the phase as more chaotic with a lot of problems. However, in this phase most couples will tend to ease out the problems and begin to make things work. If you can make it through the last phase, you might have what it takes to make things go in the right direction. As a couple, you begin to realize that you have had a past with each other for quite some time now. There are times where you have been through the ups and downs and perhaps a bit more to come. You’re now at a point where the past is the past. Now you’ve accepted the fact that nothing will ever be what it used to be, nor will anything come in between. Another thing is that you’re used to your partner already. You know exactly what to expect of him, her, and the relationship. But since you’re used to your partner, and know what to expect, you have the connection built within. The love is deeper even when you don’t feel it as much as you did in the Honeymoon phase. The conflicts that may come in the future can and will be resolved. This is the phase where you begin to see the “true” relationship begin. This is the phase where you grow your relationship and take it to a new beginning. The real work begins here in this stage. Everything from loyalty to trust begins. The foundation is now officially stronger. So why exactly is this the stability phase? Because you’re stabilizing your relationship. In order for your relationship to be strong, it must have a strong foundation where everything is simply connected and established. Everything seems to be clear at this point. Boundaries are clear, and so are the bumps….Don’t ever stop to build the relationship even if you have gotten bored or too comfortable. Continue to keep pressing forward. The more you progress, the stronger the relationship. Let it grow and stabilize.

@RonaldAtkinson9 

The Phases of a Relationship Part Two: The Reality Phase

This phase is the absolutely number one phase where it will really test your relationship. Remember how your honeymoon phase was like? Kiss that good bye, because now you have officially come to reality. This is the phase where you will learn more about the person you’re with, problems and conflicts, yourself, and independency.  The good part about this phase is that it will define you and your partner. It will also define the true aspects of why you want to be with this person. The bad part about this phase lies within you re-thinking your thoughts, anxieties, worries, troubles…Don’t worry, it’s natural.  In my last blog I pointed out the signs you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Now I’m going to be clear.

The Person you’re with: Personal Flaws & Habits

In the reality phase, there will be a few things that will require some change of some sort. Each of you [partners] will have to find ways to adjust the new way of living. Within this phase, you become more aware of the flaws, quirks, behavior, and habits that will eventually get on your nerves. In the honeymoon phase, you would sort-of embraced it yet not let it bother you to a full extent, but in this phase it’s going to get to your head. They will some how disgust you so much it could create a problem to you. This is also where the negative aspects of his/her personality begin to rise. Sometimes the person you’re with perhaps MIGHT eventually go back to his/her old ways before the honeymoon phase, but it’s not always true. However, the more comfortable someone gets, the more that person begins to become his/her true self. True self and old ways are two different things. Keep in mind that we are human. We will forever have human habits that will annoy us and causes us to want to fix each other. We have no control over others.

Conflict:

Fighting is to occur, and in fact, the person you dated back in the honeymoon phase is slowly but surely not going to be the “sweet and innocent” person you thought he/she said. In the honeymoon phase, a conflict is a small issue and may last a couple of hours to a half of a day with the result of not talking much and eventually a make-up. In this phase, these conflicts expresses anger, resentment, opinions, and so much more to where you will get confused, frighten, and eventually thinking about calling off the relationship. In this phase, it doesn’t require a sorry and a warm and fuzzy, this is the time where real talk begins. If you’re willing to fix what you want, it’s going to require differences.

Intimacy:

If you are dating within the phases of the relationship, chances are there will be a sudden lost of intimacy. Most of the intimacy, lustful pleasures, and all sorts of stuff will be left in the honeymoon phase. In other words, sex may become non-existent. What also may become non-existent is the lack of dating and romanticism. This creates confusion for some thinking maybe a loss of a partner, perhaps a losing what you feel is most important that drives the relationship. There’s numerous reasons why there’s a loss for intimacy But since this is also a broad topic for both married and non-married couples, I will save it for another detailed blog.

Changing and Adjusting

Change can happen two ways. A change in yourself, and a change in your partner. You now have lost the person who YOU once knew inside (Yourself). Sometimes it may occur to you that you’re not the person you used to be just because your partner somehow influenced you to be someone you never were. You may have taken on new activities and there may be times where you may wake up and get tired of it (if you’re not accustom to it yet). Sometimes there’s always the typical change for the good. That’s good if you’re changing to be positive for your sake, but not always for the sake of your partner. Then there’s the second reason we all know. In the honeymoon phase, we’re so in love with that person, our ideals, values, and mindset will eventually influence other person, or vice versa. However, within this phase, we can see a huge change within our partners.  We now have a sense that we have lost the person that we once knew. We want that person back, and we do everything in our power to retrieve it.…That’s how relationships self-destruct because you can’t necessarily change someone to be someone YOU want them to be. One, you try to pressure your values and beliefs on someone else’s values and beliefs, and sometimes they may not like or believe everything you like and believe. “Oh but in the past, (s)He has done this and that and said all of these things, and…..Stop right there. What you must realize is everything said in the past was all to please you. Compatibility isn’t always stable from the start. If you change someone to what YOU want the person to be like, you weren’t really attracted to that person. If you do, attraction may go away. My final thought is this, you can’t change someone to be someone they’re not, you can only guide them to positive directions. Changing is “controlling” in my book. My ideal is this, HELP Guide your partner to become someone better for the sake of him/her, their values, the family, and a positive goal/future. Plant the seed, watch it grow, and help it grow.  Each of you has to take the time to adjust not just for each other, but for yourself.  Adjust to where you will slowly accept the other person as they are. Adjusting is a key to a successful relationship. Transitioning and adjusting isn’t fast, easy, nor will it happen overnight. Adjust more on yourself in what YOU think is right and not consistently on what your partner wants. You have to adjust just as the relationship adjusts.

Independency and Your Circle

Suppose you’ve gotten very fed up with your partner, and in fact you don’t want to spend time with your partner “ALL” of the time. So now what? This is the time where becoming independent officially goes into play. Sometimes you need space, and sometimes you need freedom. Go out hang with your friends. There’s more people outside your circle. This is where you should start doing more for yourself and enjoyment rather than being clutched on to your partner. Now this is where it can get out of hand…There are some people you only trust to keep your talks to. Whatever you say can either eventually spread out of hand, or eventually pressure you into making decisions in what THEY want happen. You don’t always want to tell your problems and business out because for one, it’s sometimes needs to be between you(couples) only. Two, you’re just now beginning the REALationship . This doesn’t mean to be open to any suggestions. They can give you advice. So be willing to get some sort of help. The friends you trust the most, will help you as much as possible. Sometimes if you separate yourself from the other person, it will help you build thoughts. Develop independently and become your own person.

Most break-ups occur within this particular phase whether it’s a relationship or a marriage. Often times it is said that this is the phase where people second-guess themselves about choosing to be with the right person. This is the phase where we tend to miss the past of where everything was once “romantic” and easy.  We feel that our partner is always wrong so we want them to change but not focus on adjusting ourselves.  Understand that relationships aren’t always meant to be easy no matter how hard you please someone or how much you put into it. There will always something that’s willing to test the waters of the relationship. If you can get through it all now in this phase, you may reach up to the next phase. But remember, for some couples, the struggle(s) will eventually become bigger. The problems you face in this stage could be big or it could be small. But what matters the most is that you can get through it. It may not be easy but it is possible. This is the phase where everything you do is about perseverance. If you want things to work, you can’t give up in trying. Everything you do in this phase is meant to break you up mentally and physically, but build you up stronger. There is no say in how long this phase usually last. For some people, the more you get accustom to it, then you will see that this is how things are.

            -Manage differences and resolve issues

            -Communicate and work together

            -We have no control over others

            -Don’t change each other but keep adjusting positively

And last but not least….. Nobody’s Perfect

There are three routes in which this phase leads to. Sometimes the Reality phase has two separate parts, but I already combined them both.  In the next phase will be a somewhat of a continuation of this phase, but just remember, get through these things first, and we’ll see where the next phase leads up to in your relationship.

-@RonaldAtkinson9

The Phases of a Relationship Part One: The Honeymoon Phase

For some people, getting into a relationship can be challenging. For others, it’s nothing new. However, people are different, and relationships are different. So in that case, everyone starts out in the relationship differently unless of course

What some people forget is that relationships will tend to change over time. I call them phases simply because couples usually go with the flow and end up in situations that they don’t know how to get out of. Here’s another thing, everyone always say they want the perfect relationship when in reality, that’s never going to happen unless your conscious says so.

Phase One: The Attraction Phase

This is where you actually see the person you want to get in touch with. Fast forward after you are with that person, this is the time where you both get to know each other. You begin to talk to that person, you acknowledge how (s)he is, and you start to develop a connection. Now for some people it may be a little different. Suppose you already knew this person for a long time and were already friends….That sometimes MAY or sometimes MAY NOT be a challenge. Because, for some friends, you don’t want to jeopardize the friendship even after a break-up occurs, or anything in the long run.

Phase Two: The Honeymoon Phase

This phase is absolute crucial but every couple will go through it regardless.  Remember back when you saw that person for the first time, and your whole world went crazy? That person was the most attractive person ever and you decided to play the game and go after it. Well, through time tensions within the relationship will develop. So what exactly is “The Honeymoon Phase”? This phase is where your love for this person grows beyond excitement each day. You’re finally with the person who you’re meant to be with (or at least think). Is this where new couples spend the time getting to know more about each other? Well kind of. The first few months of dating is where it will be most intense due to the fact the chemical of “infatuation” arises.  People say that it’s not the person you’re in love with, but you’re in love with the way you feel about yourself when you’re around your partner. Both partners will experience the bonding process in which if you’re compatible, it will lead to the next phase within “Attachment”. Here is what I believe a good problem lies…. When in the honeymoon phase, be careful that your sense of pride will get to your head.

            Phase A: The Attachment Phase: The attachment phase is where you literally become attached to that person physically and mentally. Physically you’re attached on the level to where you are sexually attracted to that person, yet you want to always be with that person. Mentally, you are attached because you’re so wrapped up with this person, you forget to see the flaws of that person. These two things are worth your excitement. Here is where you know when you are very attached: You can be thinking about that person 24/7. You may get jittery about him/her when you see them or if they send you a text message. You’re either at work or somewhere far away and you can’t wait to see that person when you get home. Sometimes the more you spend time with this person, you will eventually believe that this is the most perfect person. Reality will not set it in, but your pride and fantasy will.

            Phase B: Pride and Fantasy: Like I said before, as you’re with the person for a long period of time, your pride and fantasy will increase. You will think this person is perfect and is the right one but will fail to realize the given flaws of your partner and yourself. Fantasy is beyond the given facts. It’s what we see and want that possibly may not happen. Fantasy is what we want to see, hear, or think within the relationship in which we do see, but only in this stage. Pride is where the person cherishes superiority, dignity, and importance within the relationship. Pride makes us think we are able to hold a relationship and be strong. Too much pride can ruin a relationship. Since pride is a huge topic, I will write a whole separate blog on that, however I do want to talk most about is how pride can cause one to be insecure about others, or they hold themselves to think the relationship will be very superior as if it leads to marriage. Sometimes Pride changes the way you act around others. There are also times where you have so much pride built in yourself you do anything to keep the relationship going strong. Do you want help? You must not be afraid to ask. There are times where we as humans need to quit having so much pride or else it makes us a horrible person. The way how I also view pride in a relationship is where you will eventually focus more on the person and the relationship more than anything else. You will do all you can to defend it, keeping that person, do all you can to love that person, and focus more so on the good that you will never know what will hit you once a break-up occurs. So don’t always make a huge deal whether you’re showing off someone to the world, bragging, or that everything is perfect.

            Phase C: Dating, Spending Time, and The Social Scene: There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating or spending time with one another, however, chances are in this stage it’s most likely to occur a lot. The moment you’re with this person as the feelings increase will be constant spending time with that person or going out on dates. Within this phase, you will have the urge to impress your partner and shower that person with gifts and praise. Unless you’re married or engaged, every single one on one activity you do is considered a “date”. Going to the movies, dinner, lunch, or anything with just the two of you only is considered a date. Now on to the fact of spending time together. Spending time with your partner so much will increase the comfort zones. Within this phase, this is where you will be spending more time with your partner more than ever. For some couples, here is where the comfort zone comes in, if you are in this early stage of the relationship, someone will eventually get extremely comfortable by acting as the “spouse”. Acting as the spouse will eventually come off as if you now have access to your partner’s things, house, or any other item (physically and mentally) that is also personal to your partner. One can also think that you will become more personable.

The social scene can go two separate routes… Route A: You are now going the route to where it’s just you and your partner alone. Wave good bye to your old habits, friends, social life, and family. Because, now your partner is officially your main focus. Route B: Now for some people, you can go out and have a good time with friends, but you have to realize that your partner will want to feel included or else (s)he will get jealous and feel excluded and think they’re not important. Always think about the ways you will include someone. But since this is only the honeymoon phase either route you take will always be a result in including your partner.

            Phase D-Change: Often times when we are with the one we love, we go our way to do as much as possible to keep that person we want. Sometimes a relationship can determine how much we change as a person. If the change is for the goodness sake of yourself, or if it’s for the sake of your partner. This a factor played in the honeymoon phase…If my partner had limitations, I would have to change myself so that I can please her, or she would have to adjust so that she can please me. This is perhaps one of my ultimate pet peeves in the honeymoon phase. Changing the way you act and think just because you’re trying to fully impress the person, or if couples utilize things to influence each other. This will happen regardless of anything.

There are many things to the honeymoon phase which will makes us humans a whole new person. Whether it’s our partner that causes us to transition into a whole new person or it’s our own conscious, we just don’t know how much it really affects us until we will see it in the outcomes AFTER the honeymoon phase. The phases within the phase I have listed out above is only certain points, but the reason why I say it’s crucial is because we see and hear what we want to see and hear, but we don’t think or act on what to do. Like I said, we are more focus on impressing that person, we are wrapped up into making the relationship work with all that we can. We call this the fantasy period because everything we see and do in the relationship turns out to be non-reality of what love really is (Hence why it’s called “the honeymoon phase”). We want a perfect relationship, yet it’s not going to happen. This is the phase where it will play constant tricks on you, your partner, and your environment. Within this phase, we are always going to be oblivious to lies and broken promises that may occur.  We may say and think one thing but 40 something odd years later may not even matter for some couples. THIS is where we don’t act or think. This phase is the one phase where I myself would have to think and act where do I want to go from here before the next phase comes.

The signs you are still in the honeymoon phase

1.Fighting is at a minimum. Every Relationship is going to have fights and problems, if you’re not having a fights or disagreements, something’s wrong.

2. Like fighting, everything you do and say will always have common grounds of agreement. Don’t feel pressured that you always have to constantly agree to what your partner says. You have to disagree on some levels in in life.

3.In one article I read, insulting one another is a no-go in this phase. Even though you should respect each other, little of this is also a result.

4. Constant PDA, and Sex. This can be okay to a certain extent, but it doesn’t necessarily mean “appreciation”.  Eventually it will fade out. Another con to this in the honeymoon phase is basically the feel of being the one. Once a virginity is given up, you could lose that person, and now you’re stuck with the thought of being left out in the dust. This is the ONLY period where you will have regular sex on a daily basis.

5. If you are constantly dwelling more and more on that person and not being independent or hanging around other people outside your circle, chances are you should do so. Keep in mind-Constant Dating.

6. Not being blinded with the flaws that person has. Remember there will be things that will annoy you. It’s time to start hiding the fact to accept it and learn to know what you like or dislike.

There are many signs that will tell you if your honeymoon phase is over. Once it’s over, your next phase will soon kick in REALITY. It’s extremely hard to move past this phase. Some don’t want to move on while others don’t know how to move on. Love develops over time just like we do. But once you realize the excitement comes to an end, then you will know the next phase has started. Start being aware of the many signs in this phase, and start coming up with goals and plans. You never know what situation you will find yourself in with the honeymoon phase.