Attachment: How to avoid being super attached.

Love is a beautiful thing, and so are the people within the relationship. But here is always my one issue…Getting extremely attached to someone in the first phase. Now I understand that it’s okay to get attached to someone when you first meet and fall in love, but this is more to the people who perhaps have gotten a lack of attention in their past.  Suppose you [ladies] have had many boyfriends in your past time, and each one you had was never exactly how you thought it was going to be. However, the stuff that you said to him was always the same.  In the beginning he’s the most sweetest person you ever met.  In the beginning you started to believe his words in which they may have been lies [in the future]. In the beginning you thought the relationship will go somewhere. In the beginning you were showered by gifts, moving too fast, calling each other names, and spent more time than you possibly could. But as things moved forward, you started to ease your way from him. Missing him more and more on lonely nights. Everything reminds you of him…. Now shifting from the typical relationship phases and in comes the worst part of ourselves, CLINGYNESS and OBSESSION. Everything starts from that one person who was “nice” to us, making that effort to talk to us without trying, and immediately pop goes the relationship and feelings. 

When I spend time talking to others about relationships, or when I give advice, a lot of the times people would say the reason why they always feel alone, and isolated from the world, and the people around them, is because of lack attention. But when someone does get close around us, we quickly jump on the obsession, clingy, and attachment boat, which may cause the people around us to push us away. Where in result, we feel isolated and not bother talking or hanging out with others. With that problem comes to the fact of not having many friends, boyfriends, or girl friends around, so we don’t bother “trying” to find other people to hang with, or talk to.  Now for you ladies, one of the problems I hear the most is perhaps the relationship goes along great, but you feel sad whenever he leaves home, or hangs out with his other friends. Perhaps you also get upset when you see or feel your man getting sick of your presence, doesn’t bother keeping you first, or not getting intimate in bed. That’s where the anxious and frustration part comes around because you’re not by his side, so you feel isolated and left with a lot of emotion. 

Attachment all depends on your past. It depends who gave you the attention, or the lack of attention in which you try to seek now. My advice to you is to not get so easily attached to others around you because it’s going to leave you more hurt in the end, and much more of a psycho person with emotional issues. If you are not easily attached, that’s great…. But put yourself in those shoes… It’s bad and unhealthy if you really look at it. You really have to broaden out your circle so that you get an even balance of love. For those couples (or perhaps that one partner), I would recommend try to help things out by being apart for a few days, and perhaps even go without talking to each other. You really don’t have to see or depend on each other every single day. Time apart in a relationship is always healthy.  From time to time, allow that therapy to work things together. Absence makes the heart grow strong.  Men, understand that it’s great to shower her with gifts, but understand diamonds is not always a key to every woman’s heart. Ladies, get your self to be independent. Spend time with other friends, or get involved so you’re not always sad or thinking too much on your partner. Understand that you have perhaps your entire life to see each other, and to perhaps be with each other. Learn to adjust to many changes in life. If you find yourself getting very attached in the beginning, it’s going to leave you hurt in the end. Also, it’s important to understand what is fantasy, and what is reality. What is Love, and what is not. What is real, and what is fiction.

In Reference to this post, refer back to my previous blog : Dealing With Clingy Relationships

Twitter: @RonaldAtkinson9

Define Yourself

Sitting in the library after class got me thinking...... I find it interesting how we can teach history from the text books, but some of things that aren't in that book are found in other outside sources. With that being said, taking a historical moment and having to reenact it with students can change many lives. It takes you back to that moment. So even though you're reenacting it, you're also living through those moments of the past. It plays a big affect on your mind as well as those around you. Sometimes you have to be another character, sometimes you have to play the villain, and other times you have to get so into the character, you forget who you are in reality. Out of the many times I have acted in theatre, today was one of those moments I had to fully re-evaluate the evil spirit within. The group I have worked with in Foundations of Education was absolutely amazing, and it was an honor to have worked with them. We fully had to understand how Native Americans were being treated in boarding schools. We treated the class as if they were entering boarding school. I on the other hand took a whole different approach by being bitter, forceful, mean, and anything that was not very nice. I also had to “preach” the word of God through the eyes of a “white man” forcing Christianity beliefs on other cultures. This role playing took me to become someone I am truly not. It also took others to become someone who is truly not themselves, but recognize that they were a different group of people with different beliefs, looks, nationalities in which they were treated unfair. I really felt the spirit of Fred Phelps, Slave masters, boarding school teachers, and false preachers in me that leave other people feel very uncomfortable and low. On the other hand, we are taught the history of our past, but since it’s not always touched deeply (to the mind of a person), we don’t often “relate” as if it really impacts us. So how do we treat others who are different? Who are we to judge and force someone who is not? Why can’t we be more accepting to another culture, race, religion, and beliefs? We all can see someone and say “oh they’re not living in the right direction”, but why is it that we have to hate or force them?

• Define what an American is
• Define what being your self is.
• Define what hatred is
• Define what Moralism is
• Define your religion
• Define your beliefs
• Define History and what can you take away from
• Define what being another nationality is
• Define your actions
• Define your Rights and Freedom
• Define who we are not just as a nation, but who we are as a world in whole.

Did we forget that the world is God’s creation? Did we also forget that we are God’s people? Did we also forget that God had everything planned way before and we’re trying to stop HIS will? Did we also forget that every religion plays a role in the manner of benefiting that person’s culture? We look at ourselves to be superior, but in the end, we’re all the same, we all die, we all will go to the after life. On a further note, let’s ALL recognize ourselves.

@RonaldAtkinson9

The Friend Zone: Things to learn

From a male’s point of view, I can tell you that being stuck in the friend zone is every guy’s (and girl’s) worst enemy of a partnership. I can tell you that I know the struggles and hardships of it because I once had a crush on a very beautiful girl back in my young years, but eventually as time continued to move forward, I realized that it wasn’t “just” me who witnessed this but it was actually a “thing” called “The Friend Zone”.  I once watched movies such as Forest Gump, Just Friends, various shows that often depict similar scenarios of what I went through. Not only watched them, but also hearing other people’s stories. So as time continued to move forward, I noticed that there were some flaws within myself that I had to recognize.

1.     Being Too Nice: This is one thing that I found out in middle school that every person you meet is not going to be attracted to “niceness”. Sometimes, it may make the person you want feel awkward. Now me for being a nice guy, I break the barrier just a little bit. I sometimes add a sense of humor in my actions and words, but I also tend to be serious when necessary. When you’re a friend to someone, you’re being “Friendly”, and that’s how the other person will see you as “just a friend”. Does that mean everyone will see you as just a friend? Absolutely not. But it also means to broaden out to other people who are attracted to you. There will always be someone attracted to your niceness. It’s just at a young age most people never experienced getting hurt until someone who is nice enough shows up in their lives. Another thing you must look at, is the fact that not everyone who appears to be too nice will prove that they are. Sometimes it could be a cover up. Sometimes within this stage, expressing your interest without ruining a friendship is capable but it can cause damage. It’s great to be nice, but be nice to those [who are interested in you] who can share that mutual feeling.

2.     Being Too Needy: If you are younger than age 20, you do not need to fret over having a boyfriend or girlfriend. One, you have your entire life ahead of you. I’m not saying to NOT have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but you must think about the relationship (and taking it to the next level) in broader terms. Most people around this stage feel the need of being wanted, so they look and sometimes sound desperate. Being very needy like you need to be nurtured by someone’s affection sounds that you are desperate. If you sound desperate, you’re gaining attention of desperation. Nobody wants a desperate needy person. It’s an attention killer. You’re also trying to rush things in which you definitely don’t want to do. So now what? Relax, let your actions speak on it’s own, and don’t always assume that he/she is the only person you’ll meet.

3.     Being Too Pressuring: Have you actually looked in your past and realized that you kept pressuring that person to go out with you? It’s similar to being needy. However, when you’re pressuring the other person, you’re also pressuring yourself. You’re pressuring your mind and body with new ideas on how to change just to force that person’s love. Relax

4.     Be Less Interested: The less interested you are, the more it could drive a person. This also ties in with the “Need” part. Be ready to walk away in any given matter. If you are less interested [before the relationship], you are willing to get less hurt, more negotiable, and will have the power to have what you want while guiding the relationship. If you’re needy, you will only end up with what they will give you. Also, you have to create an outside circle by spending less time away with your “crush”. Broaden your social scene to where it will test your partner whether or not he/she will miss you when you’re away or will draw him/her to you.  Create some competition; make them feel jealous and bit more desirous when they can see potential in you from others around you. The purpose of this is to focus more on your self for a while. Do things that interest you, and perhaps maybe that person will be interested in you. Men, if you hang out with other women, get a sense of their understanding for your understanding.

5.     The Touch Barrier: At a young age, everyone should know how to respectfully touch others. Know when and where to touch, and when and where to NOT touch. But in the early adult-adult age, sometimes we can be terrified of touching the wrong way to where it may be very uncomfortable.  Break the risk and touch places like the hands, hair, back, and avoid “the awkward hug”. Be confident, be the first to break it, but avoid being too sexual or too inappropriate.  Until you’re fully in the relationship or the chemistry is long established, THEN you can do whatever you want. Parents teach your kids because the media is now exposing the wrong ways.

6.     Go out on a non-date: A date doesn’t always have to be romantic. Avoid moving too fast to become romantic. You have to start off by going on simple dates to the movies, non-fancy dinner, a hang out, Ice cream, or sushi. Invite them to a non-romantic activity date to the park, city, boat, fishing etc.. Make the plan to where it’s just you two only. Let this “non-date” date be about being your self while enjoying the time together. It can really spark many motives within this picture. Perhaps the longer it goes, the chemistry may broaden out. Be grateful for what’s going on, be grateful to the other person, always show appreciation. Don’t ignore the other person or make them feel awkward(Perhaps the touch barrier may be broken just a tad bit). When you’re on your “non-date” date, don’t rush things or get to intimate yet (Kissing, sex etc..) wait a far few extra dates than the first one. This is where you must invite him/her to many places, and also make flexible plans.

7.     Investing: Let the other person invest in you rather than you invest in them. That’s what my last point was slowly based on. Another way to put this is rather you doing a favor for them, let them offer a favor as well. Perhaps give them a chance to plan things. If they’ll invest in you, they’ll invest in the relationship to continue. Some people will love to do favors for you.

Here are some other things about the friend zone that are common but not always expressed. Ask yourself these questions below…

            Have you ever left by someone’s side the moment he/she is with someone new?

            Do you often find yourself being his/her “therapist” when they complain about their ex?

            Has there ever been someone who was either attracted to you, a potential partner, or another friend who was around you that had the ideals of being your next boyfriend or girlfriend but you blew them off?

Some of those things all relate to each other, and one way to realize this is that we often forget about ourselves. We hate being rejected or being in the friend zone but sometimes don’t’ realize we could be doing the same thing on someone else ( hence how love is a cycle). The Friend Zone is perhaps the one place you don’t like, but there are ways to avoid it. You must focus on yourself first before you show interest in a potential person when you’re already assuming it’s the right person. There are signs in which you can be placed in the friend zone, but in order to not be in it, you must get yourself out before you catch yourself in it. “I just want to be friends” is a way of expressing that they don’t want to be more than friends. There will be many excuses to why your crush doesn’t want to be with you. But never take it the wrong way because it’s never the end of the world. The jealousy, frustration, and struggle can be difficult. However, just realize that there is always someone out there who is willing to accept your heart in every aspect. My saying leads to this that if you’re ever experiencing the friend zone in any shape or form, the foundation of a relationship should always start as a friendship.

Twitter: @RonaldAtkinson9

Alone and Loneliness Part Two: Loneliness

Loneliness is a mere feeling in which we can always overcome. This is where we feel the isolation take over our mind and actions everyday. A lot of times, this feeling will slowly come into affect that can play with our minds. Often times you’re left with the many memories with another person that can often leave you wishing to retrieve those times back. You miss the touch, the kiss, you stare at your phone and sometimes read those past text messages only wishing they would somehow in someway hit you back up. Loneliness puts you in a state in which you’re craving that feeling of being wanted. Most people who tend to go through this state of “loneliness” often feel that they have to be nurtured. I have found many people who actually have this problem on serious terms. Is it curable? Perhaps if it’s really a disorder you are facing. Often times you are too clutched on to that person who you WERE with, and who you’re with NOW. With loneliness, you’re mind is telling you to settle for less (That’s if you are super desperate). So what exactly are you looking for? Is it someone to fill your time and space, someone to care for you, or is it the memories that you don’t get anymore because it’s the past? Loneliness is a negative state of mind yet it always seems to happen after a break-up, divorce, and separation. Other times, it happens when others around you have show and have something that you don’t have, so you feel peer pressured. 

Before you can begin another relationship, you must find ways to rely on yourself, and make YOU happy. Don’t always dwell and depend on other people because in the end, other people will hurt you. Pain builds up within you bringing you down. See once you’re alone reflecting on yourself, that’s the time to enjoy life. That’s when you’re happy with yourself and being alone. On the other hand, being lonely is the complete opposite. Because you’re “alone” doesn’t always mean you’re lonely, and because you’re lonely doesn’t always mean to be sad. Who knows, naturally speaking, you might just find the right one. In other words, people will see that you rely on yourself more than anything. it’s a chance a person will see and could be an equal to you in common.  Everything lies within you. You have the opportunity to change and fix yourself, and your feelings. Whether you want to be happy or sad, it’s all up to you. Don’t dwell on others to fully make you happy. If that’s the case, that’s how people get very attached, and eventually hurt. Define who you are at all times with your mind, body, and spirit. Only you have the power to change it. People often say that the best way to cure loneliness is to be alone. It will teach you patience, devotion, and self-determination.

@RonaldAtkinson9 

Alone and Loneliness Part One: Devotion and Meditation

Alone and Loneliness is something that everyone seems to get confused on. I find this okay because it’s all part of our everyday lives. At some point of time, we will often find ourselves in one of these state of minds. They are both beneficial for our needs, satisfactions, and likings. Let me begin with “Being Alone”…

Being Alone: Devotion and Meditation- There are times when I myself enjoy the time being of pure quietness of meditation and devotion.  Being Alone allows you to savor the present moment that you are in. You can read a book, reflect on life, listen to music, or just relax. It’s a relaxation for both the mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes we use this a break only because it’s perhaps the only time of the day we can get away from our social struggles, recharging, and enjoy being you for once. This mood is very calm and soothing. You are in places that you never thought of or dreamed about. This is when you block outside forces inside your circle and giving yourself more time to think important things. One of the things I do enjoy is taking the time to listen to that spirit within. When you meditate in complete silence, you’re in deep thought of all things that comes to mind. Your head will be filled with questions, concerns, regrets, and much much more deeper thoughts. Understand that every one of us has some sort of set backs that’s going to keep us from moving forward. Sometimes we have regrets that we often feel trapped within our own mind. However, as you reflect on life’s biggest questions, you must think deep and answer the questions precisely. Listen to those positive voices and reflect on how your life is going now. Understand that your contribution to the world is unique in several different ways. Forget your failures, forget the heartbreaks, and focus on your contribution. Your contribution to “something” in this world will benefit many things in the future even if you don’t see it. There’s already a seed planted. Leave the bad things in the past, and start working now. We get so tied up in our physical state while listening to others around us, but fail to listen to our spirit talking. Our mind can say one while the spirit says another. That’s why I say we as human beings are our own guidance counselors that we fail to listen and benefit from. Free yourself from the negative spirits within…Don’t let them tempt you. You can fight through it, renew your spirit, and have a nice spiritual healing renewal. Our spirit within us is so powerful, your biggest questions and concerns are already answered. Just listen

Twitter: @RonaldAtkinson9