The Phases of a Relationship Part Two: The Reality Phase

This phase is the absolutely number one phase where it will really test your relationship. Remember how your honeymoon phase was like? Kiss that good bye, because now you have officially come to reality. This is the phase where you will learn more about the person you’re with, problems and conflicts, yourself, and independency.  The good part about this phase is that it will define you and your partner. It will also define the true aspects of why you want to be with this person. The bad part about this phase lies within you re-thinking your thoughts, anxieties, worries, troubles…Don’t worry, it’s natural.  In my last blog I pointed out the signs you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Now I’m going to be clear.

The Person you’re with: Personal Flaws & Habits

In the reality phase, there will be a few things that will require some change of some sort. Each of you [partners] will have to find ways to adjust the new way of living. Within this phase, you become more aware of the flaws, quirks, behavior, and habits that will eventually get on your nerves. In the honeymoon phase, you would sort-of embraced it yet not let it bother you to a full extent, but in this phase it’s going to get to your head. They will some how disgust you so much it could create a problem to you. This is also where the negative aspects of his/her personality begin to rise. Sometimes the person you’re with perhaps MIGHT eventually go back to his/her old ways before the honeymoon phase, but it’s not always true. However, the more comfortable someone gets, the more that person begins to become his/her true self. True self and old ways are two different things. Keep in mind that we are human. We will forever have human habits that will annoy us and causes us to want to fix each other. We have no control over others.

Conflict:

Fighting is to occur, and in fact, the person you dated back in the honeymoon phase is slowly but surely not going to be the “sweet and innocent” person you thought he/she said. In the honeymoon phase, a conflict is a small issue and may last a couple of hours to a half of a day with the result of not talking much and eventually a make-up. In this phase, these conflicts expresses anger, resentment, opinions, and so much more to where you will get confused, frighten, and eventually thinking about calling off the relationship. In this phase, it doesn’t require a sorry and a warm and fuzzy, this is the time where real talk begins. If you’re willing to fix what you want, it’s going to require differences.

Intimacy:

If you are dating within the phases of the relationship, chances are there will be a sudden lost of intimacy. Most of the intimacy, lustful pleasures, and all sorts of stuff will be left in the honeymoon phase. In other words, sex may become non-existent. What also may become non-existent is the lack of dating and romanticism. This creates confusion for some thinking maybe a loss of a partner, perhaps a losing what you feel is most important that drives the relationship. There’s numerous reasons why there’s a loss for intimacy But since this is also a broad topic for both married and non-married couples, I will save it for another detailed blog.

Changing and Adjusting

Change can happen two ways. A change in yourself, and a change in your partner. You now have lost the person who YOU once knew inside (Yourself). Sometimes it may occur to you that you’re not the person you used to be just because your partner somehow influenced you to be someone you never were. You may have taken on new activities and there may be times where you may wake up and get tired of it (if you’re not accustom to it yet). Sometimes there’s always the typical change for the good. That’s good if you’re changing to be positive for your sake, but not always for the sake of your partner. Then there’s the second reason we all know. In the honeymoon phase, we’re so in love with that person, our ideals, values, and mindset will eventually influence other person, or vice versa. However, within this phase, we can see a huge change within our partners.  We now have a sense that we have lost the person that we once knew. We want that person back, and we do everything in our power to retrieve it.…That’s how relationships self-destruct because you can’t necessarily change someone to be someone YOU want them to be. One, you try to pressure your values and beliefs on someone else’s values and beliefs, and sometimes they may not like or believe everything you like and believe. “Oh but in the past, (s)He has done this and that and said all of these things, and…..Stop right there. What you must realize is everything said in the past was all to please you. Compatibility isn’t always stable from the start. If you change someone to what YOU want the person to be like, you weren’t really attracted to that person. If you do, attraction may go away. My final thought is this, you can’t change someone to be someone they’re not, you can only guide them to positive directions. Changing is “controlling” in my book. My ideal is this, HELP Guide your partner to become someone better for the sake of him/her, their values, the family, and a positive goal/future. Plant the seed, watch it grow, and help it grow.  Each of you has to take the time to adjust not just for each other, but for yourself.  Adjust to where you will slowly accept the other person as they are. Adjusting is a key to a successful relationship. Transitioning and adjusting isn’t fast, easy, nor will it happen overnight. Adjust more on yourself in what YOU think is right and not consistently on what your partner wants. You have to adjust just as the relationship adjusts.

Independency and Your Circle

Suppose you’ve gotten very fed up with your partner, and in fact you don’t want to spend time with your partner “ALL” of the time. So now what? This is the time where becoming independent officially goes into play. Sometimes you need space, and sometimes you need freedom. Go out hang with your friends. There’s more people outside your circle. This is where you should start doing more for yourself and enjoyment rather than being clutched on to your partner. Now this is where it can get out of hand…There are some people you only trust to keep your talks to. Whatever you say can either eventually spread out of hand, or eventually pressure you into making decisions in what THEY want happen. You don’t always want to tell your problems and business out because for one, it’s sometimes needs to be between you(couples) only. Two, you’re just now beginning the REALationship . This doesn’t mean to be open to any suggestions. They can give you advice. So be willing to get some sort of help. The friends you trust the most, will help you as much as possible. Sometimes if you separate yourself from the other person, it will help you build thoughts. Develop independently and become your own person.

Most break-ups occur within this particular phase whether it’s a relationship or a marriage. Often times it is said that this is the phase where people second-guess themselves about choosing to be with the right person. This is the phase where we tend to miss the past of where everything was once “romantic” and easy.  We feel that our partner is always wrong so we want them to change but not focus on adjusting ourselves.  Understand that relationships aren’t always meant to be easy no matter how hard you please someone or how much you put into it. There will always something that’s willing to test the waters of the relationship. If you can get through it all now in this phase, you may reach up to the next phase. But remember, for some couples, the struggle(s) will eventually become bigger. The problems you face in this stage could be big or it could be small. But what matters the most is that you can get through it. It may not be easy but it is possible. This is the phase where everything you do is about perseverance. If you want things to work, you can’t give up in trying. Everything you do in this phase is meant to break you up mentally and physically, but build you up stronger. There is no say in how long this phase usually last. For some people, the more you get accustom to it, then you will see that this is how things are.

            -Manage differences and resolve issues

            -Communicate and work together

            -We have no control over others

            -Don’t change each other but keep adjusting positively

And last but not least….. Nobody’s Perfect

There are three routes in which this phase leads to. Sometimes the Reality phase has two separate parts, but I already combined them both.  In the next phase will be a somewhat of a continuation of this phase, but just remember, get through these things first, and we’ll see where the next phase leads up to in your relationship.

-@RonaldAtkinson9

The Phases of a Relationship Part One: The Honeymoon Phase

For some people, getting into a relationship can be challenging. For others, it’s nothing new. However, people are different, and relationships are different. So in that case, everyone starts out in the relationship differently unless of course

What some people forget is that relationships will tend to change over time. I call them phases simply because couples usually go with the flow and end up in situations that they don’t know how to get out of. Here’s another thing, everyone always say they want the perfect relationship when in reality, that’s never going to happen unless your conscious says so.

Phase One: The Attraction Phase

This is where you actually see the person you want to get in touch with. Fast forward after you are with that person, this is the time where you both get to know each other. You begin to talk to that person, you acknowledge how (s)he is, and you start to develop a connection. Now for some people it may be a little different. Suppose you already knew this person for a long time and were already friends….That sometimes MAY or sometimes MAY NOT be a challenge. Because, for some friends, you don’t want to jeopardize the friendship even after a break-up occurs, or anything in the long run.

Phase Two: The Honeymoon Phase

This phase is absolute crucial but every couple will go through it regardless.  Remember back when you saw that person for the first time, and your whole world went crazy? That person was the most attractive person ever and you decided to play the game and go after it. Well, through time tensions within the relationship will develop. So what exactly is “The Honeymoon Phase”? This phase is where your love for this person grows beyond excitement each day. You’re finally with the person who you’re meant to be with (or at least think). Is this where new couples spend the time getting to know more about each other? Well kind of. The first few months of dating is where it will be most intense due to the fact the chemical of “infatuation” arises.  People say that it’s not the person you’re in love with, but you’re in love with the way you feel about yourself when you’re around your partner. Both partners will experience the bonding process in which if you’re compatible, it will lead to the next phase within “Attachment”. Here is what I believe a good problem lies…. When in the honeymoon phase, be careful that your sense of pride will get to your head.

            Phase A: The Attachment Phase: The attachment phase is where you literally become attached to that person physically and mentally. Physically you’re attached on the level to where you are sexually attracted to that person, yet you want to always be with that person. Mentally, you are attached because you’re so wrapped up with this person, you forget to see the flaws of that person. These two things are worth your excitement. Here is where you know when you are very attached: You can be thinking about that person 24/7. You may get jittery about him/her when you see them or if they send you a text message. You’re either at work or somewhere far away and you can’t wait to see that person when you get home. Sometimes the more you spend time with this person, you will eventually believe that this is the most perfect person. Reality will not set it in, but your pride and fantasy will.

            Phase B: Pride and Fantasy: Like I said before, as you’re with the person for a long period of time, your pride and fantasy will increase. You will think this person is perfect and is the right one but will fail to realize the given flaws of your partner and yourself. Fantasy is beyond the given facts. It’s what we see and want that possibly may not happen. Fantasy is what we want to see, hear, or think within the relationship in which we do see, but only in this stage. Pride is where the person cherishes superiority, dignity, and importance within the relationship. Pride makes us think we are able to hold a relationship and be strong. Too much pride can ruin a relationship. Since pride is a huge topic, I will write a whole separate blog on that, however I do want to talk most about is how pride can cause one to be insecure about others, or they hold themselves to think the relationship will be very superior as if it leads to marriage. Sometimes Pride changes the way you act around others. There are also times where you have so much pride built in yourself you do anything to keep the relationship going strong. Do you want help? You must not be afraid to ask. There are times where we as humans need to quit having so much pride or else it makes us a horrible person. The way how I also view pride in a relationship is where you will eventually focus more on the person and the relationship more than anything else. You will do all you can to defend it, keeping that person, do all you can to love that person, and focus more so on the good that you will never know what will hit you once a break-up occurs. So don’t always make a huge deal whether you’re showing off someone to the world, bragging, or that everything is perfect.

            Phase C: Dating, Spending Time, and The Social Scene: There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating or spending time with one another, however, chances are in this stage it’s most likely to occur a lot. The moment you’re with this person as the feelings increase will be constant spending time with that person or going out on dates. Within this phase, you will have the urge to impress your partner and shower that person with gifts and praise. Unless you’re married or engaged, every single one on one activity you do is considered a “date”. Going to the movies, dinner, lunch, or anything with just the two of you only is considered a date. Now on to the fact of spending time together. Spending time with your partner so much will increase the comfort zones. Within this phase, this is where you will be spending more time with your partner more than ever. For some couples, here is where the comfort zone comes in, if you are in this early stage of the relationship, someone will eventually get extremely comfortable by acting as the “spouse”. Acting as the spouse will eventually come off as if you now have access to your partner’s things, house, or any other item (physically and mentally) that is also personal to your partner. One can also think that you will become more personable.

The social scene can go two separate routes… Route A: You are now going the route to where it’s just you and your partner alone. Wave good bye to your old habits, friends, social life, and family. Because, now your partner is officially your main focus. Route B: Now for some people, you can go out and have a good time with friends, but you have to realize that your partner will want to feel included or else (s)he will get jealous and feel excluded and think they’re not important. Always think about the ways you will include someone. But since this is only the honeymoon phase either route you take will always be a result in including your partner.

            Phase D-Change: Often times when we are with the one we love, we go our way to do as much as possible to keep that person we want. Sometimes a relationship can determine how much we change as a person. If the change is for the goodness sake of yourself, or if it’s for the sake of your partner. This a factor played in the honeymoon phase…If my partner had limitations, I would have to change myself so that I can please her, or she would have to adjust so that she can please me. This is perhaps one of my ultimate pet peeves in the honeymoon phase. Changing the way you act and think just because you’re trying to fully impress the person, or if couples utilize things to influence each other. This will happen regardless of anything.

There are many things to the honeymoon phase which will makes us humans a whole new person. Whether it’s our partner that causes us to transition into a whole new person or it’s our own conscious, we just don’t know how much it really affects us until we will see it in the outcomes AFTER the honeymoon phase. The phases within the phase I have listed out above is only certain points, but the reason why I say it’s crucial is because we see and hear what we want to see and hear, but we don’t think or act on what to do. Like I said, we are more focus on impressing that person, we are wrapped up into making the relationship work with all that we can. We call this the fantasy period because everything we see and do in the relationship turns out to be non-reality of what love really is (Hence why it’s called “the honeymoon phase”). We want a perfect relationship, yet it’s not going to happen. This is the phase where it will play constant tricks on you, your partner, and your environment. Within this phase, we are always going to be oblivious to lies and broken promises that may occur.  We may say and think one thing but 40 something odd years later may not even matter for some couples. THIS is where we don’t act or think. This phase is the one phase where I myself would have to think and act where do I want to go from here before the next phase comes.

The signs you are still in the honeymoon phase

1.Fighting is at a minimum. Every Relationship is going to have fights and problems, if you’re not having a fights or disagreements, something’s wrong.

2. Like fighting, everything you do and say will always have common grounds of agreement. Don’t feel pressured that you always have to constantly agree to what your partner says. You have to disagree on some levels in in life.

3.In one article I read, insulting one another is a no-go in this phase. Even though you should respect each other, little of this is also a result.

4. Constant PDA, and Sex. This can be okay to a certain extent, but it doesn’t necessarily mean “appreciation”.  Eventually it will fade out. Another con to this in the honeymoon phase is basically the feel of being the one. Once a virginity is given up, you could lose that person, and now you’re stuck with the thought of being left out in the dust. This is the ONLY period where you will have regular sex on a daily basis.

5. If you are constantly dwelling more and more on that person and not being independent or hanging around other people outside your circle, chances are you should do so. Keep in mind-Constant Dating.

6. Not being blinded with the flaws that person has. Remember there will be things that will annoy you. It’s time to start hiding the fact to accept it and learn to know what you like or dislike.

There are many signs that will tell you if your honeymoon phase is over. Once it’s over, your next phase will soon kick in REALITY. It’s extremely hard to move past this phase. Some don’t want to move on while others don’t know how to move on. Love develops over time just like we do. But once you realize the excitement comes to an end, then you will know the next phase has started. Start being aware of the many signs in this phase, and start coming up with goals and plans. You never know what situation you will find yourself in with the honeymoon phase.

Look Beyond Your Faults & Failures: Striving to success with Faith

One thing that I realized this week as finals are gearing up and classes come to an end is........

There has been a majority of successful people who became CEO’s, Producers, Business personnel, Computer Scientists, anything and you name it. Some of those people either had it hard in life, or perhaps had dropped out of college. Regardless of what your Faith is, you may never see what the future has in store for you and of course even I don't see it, and quite frankly it's really not our job to know what's in store for our lives. Sure we can dream, work hard at a goal point we’re trying to make but what I’m trying to say is that we’re all not the same nor do we operate the same way. However, each one of us has our faults, failures, trials, and tribulations that affect us to keep us getting where we are going. We use that affect to make us believe the best will never happen. I can tell you this, don’t let that affect get to your head. You have your entire life to do what you love to do, and you sooner or later, the success will come. What I’m trying to get at with this is, there's always a plan and a way to be successful in life. It's interesting how God can carry you through all of those things and he's great enough to see your need and help you reach your strong points. Despite of what your past was like, grades, life, finances etc. don’t let it affect you too much by thinking you will never make it. Some people use that as a motivation to not be on that level, so they strive to walk hard that extra road (Especially those who didn’t graduate college or went). To the students who are finishing up school, don’t let a class or a bad grade make you become less of a person. Young single mothers, continue to do the best for your life and child. Despite of some people striving, don’t let the people who breeze by tear you down, it’s not a race.  As much as I am big on education, yes we need it in order to succeed, but some people don’t always get to have that opportunity. Just because one has a degree and the other one doesn’t, doesn’t make them any smarter than an average CEO. Sure you may have the well-rounded educational mindset, but know that we are to be equal, and to help others. I’m not saying dropping out or “don’t work” is the answer, I’m basically saying is that you CAN and WILL be successful. So whatever you strive to become, or do, declare yourself that you will make it to that point regardless if it takes a black eye or two. With or without a certain deed, your time will come. Just continue to work, keep striving, don’t give up on Faith, and remember you have more chapters to open up than just one. Your time is coming, you are successful, and you are no less than anyone else. God will bring you through, and your reward will come.

Best Wishes

@RonaldAtkinson9 

Finding The One Over The Holidays

Finding the one is no where near to what I call “cuffing season”. Yes it’s around the winter holidays, but I’m just trying to give you hope. Most single people will tend to not bother with dating because most couples go out for each other during the holidays. For example, you buy the gifts, you go out on dinner dates, Christmas parties, and other activities, and single people are aware of avoiding that. Here’s what you can do to step it up. Men, if you’re wanting to ask that girl on the date, go back and refer to my past blog Asking Women On A Date.

1.     Less competition in finding someone. Now, if you’re in college(or any other type of school/institution.), you already know that most people are usually taken within the first two months just to get the year going. That time of the year has the most competition. Now since it’s later, you have less competition with others. Go participate in places where you might meet singles. A party, a park, skating, any place where most singles have the most fun. If you’re the type of person who does online dating, always update your information. Update your photo, make status updates, include what type of winter activities you’re interested in so that other singles will see the same.

2.     The Bond & Holiday Party Date: If you’re like me who loves going to the holiday parties(mature holiday parties), quickly find someone just by choosing. If you have a list of singles you’re interested in, rate them in order of preference, and get one to go with you as a holiday party date. It’s not like you’re using them, but for now, you’re only creating a bond. You never know where it may lead. Look for someone who maybe is outgoing, entertaining, someone who is comfortable with having conversations with new people. I wouldn’t recommend someone who is clinging on you during the whole party. Dear Ladies, Don’t EVEN speak or talk for you man when he is asked questions directly AT him. You may talk about him in your circle, but not when he’s around. Don’t BRAG.

3.     Giving is Caring: So you’re shopping for your family, get something for your love(or potential.) doesn’t have to be something big, but enough to show that you care.

4.     If there is someone who is interested in YOU, accept their offer when they ask you on a date.

Overall, update your status and plans every once in a while this holiday season. Go out and get the person you want in places where a good environment is set in, and boost your ego over the holidays.  Think about the friends where it may lead to something, and let the bonding begin. Online daters, just continue with the statuses, and those who are more old fashion, just venture out in the mingle area.

Tips during the holiday season for singles.

It’s finally the holiday season, and most of you already have plans on what to do. Couples, you may do what you’re used to doing. But single people, don’t fret. We all know that this season is the one time where we can feel a bit on the downside of not having that chance to spend it with a loved one. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy. There are ways to overcome this situation.

1. The Gift of Giving: The every holiday season, I always give something to others. Giving is an act of kindness even when others do not necessarily deserve it. When you’re giving to others, you’re blessing others with things that they don’t have or possibly uplifting their spirit. You never know what others are going through in their lives, but other people will recognize the heart you have. Volunteer during the holidays. Volunteer at a nursing home, church, or anywhere that people may not have it best. One of the best feelings you could possibly imagine is making yourself feel good while you make others feel good. Brighten their lives this holiday season. Giving is also a way to share the love.

2.   Mingle: Don’t feel down when you see others having a happy time together. Instead, go out and mingle. Mingle to have fun with others around you. Mingle with other singles, your friends(without their partners), and perhaps maybe you just might meet somebody new. If you do have single friends, host a party and invite them over. Friendship is always important, especially around the holidays. It’s not always about spreading love, but you’re spreading joy amongst your circle of friends. You’re also spreading peace within your circle.

3.  Connect with family: Nothing comes close than being around family during the holidays. Family is always your first love, and their value is important. Connect with family and embrace the fact that those are the only folks who will support and help you through your journey in life. Also, re-establish connections with family who you haven’t seen or talk to.

4.  Focus on You: This is about making YOU happy. You are to do what you love, what you desire, and what you would like to accomplish on your happiness. Exercise and it will help your endorphins. Get rid of anything that is polluting your mind with negativity. Think more on the positive side of what you’re blessed with and perhaps take a vacation for yourself(of friends) and replenish your mindset. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you should always live in depression or loneliness, it’s unhealthy. The reason why is because you are begin to dwell on it more while it builds up.

Being single during the holidays can be hard for some people, and that’s some of many ways on helping yourself being happy and joyful during a joyful season. Yes Holidays are important to be with loved ones, but loved ones aren’t limited to couples. It’s about family and friendship. It’s not about love, but spreading the love. How will you spread the love? Now, there ways you can find love over the holidays if you choose….I will write a separate blog, but this is for you. This is about making yourself happy. Take care of yourself, and do well. Keep giving and spreading the peace, love, and joy.


@RonaldAtkinson