Building The Foundation: The Forgotten Phase of A Relationship

It’s been awhile since I last posted about love and relationships, but I thought I’d re-touch on this subject matter. For the past couple of years, my dad has been trying to get me to talk to this girl in which I have absolutely no interest in. However, he always brings up something in which seems reasonable. Whenever I go back to my hometown, he always says “You need to have that one female friend that you can just call, talk, and hangout.” Then he’ll say, “you’re not trying to date that person, but you’re just establishing a friendship.” Now, I’ve been through this before, so it’s not the first time I have heard this. As a matter of fact, I have even been through it.  But this is something that continues to run through my mind. In past blogs, I have mentioned the five phases of the relationship. We begin with the honeymoon phase, and then work our way into the reality phase. To be honest, that’s wrong! It should all start with a foundation. Like all relationships, it has to start somewhere. In today’s world, it’s easy to go on social media and look at pictures, videos, snaps, written statuses and so on, just to find out about that person. YouTube sensation star, Spoken Reasons, once said that it’s like our online menu. We think we might know a person’s personality, but we don’t. Here’s what we miss, and where we go wrong.

1. We don’t think with our brains: Too often, we’re attracted to a person, physically. We shrug those who don’t look like ‘tens’ and go straight for the ones who do. What we forget, is that everyone is out to chase that person. Often times we don’t approach them the right way.
2. Getting to know them: You may think you know them, but you really don’t. Going back to the five phases, we start to see a person’s true colors when we hit the reality phase of a relationship. That shouldn’t be the case anymore. We’re so quick to jump into a relationship and rush things, but not take the time to get to know someone. Getting to know someone takes time, and it constantly develops throughout the process. Here, we have to not think about the relationship, but who this person is as a friend. The talking may happen in this stage, but it requires more than that. Hanging out with that person, doing things for that person, conversing with one another, and just enjoying the fact that you are being your own true self without trying to impress that person. This is when/how the foundation is already established. Without thinking about dating the person, relationship goals, or the future, you’re already in the present, and the foundation has already been built. You have built enough time to show each other who you truly, and you already know that with this, trust is built.
3. Submission: When you’re getting to know that person without thinking in terms of love, you have already submitted to each other. This doesn’t mean you’re committed to each other, but it means that you both have done things together in your like and understanding. You’re comfortable around this person, and what we also forget to realize, is that submission is a form of intimate foreplay. This doesn’t mean anything in a sexual way, but doing things together shows and creates a strong level of intimacy. Talking, hanging out, laughter, activities, are all ways to be intimate in the friendship with each other. Submission in the form of intimacy foreplay, is also a tool to increase the intellectual mindset of two people. This can be the time where two people may spark an interest and liking for someone. How? Because the foundation has already been established.

There’s a reason why many people who get married, say “I am glad to have marry my best friend!” Noticed that I said “BEST FRIEND!”  And a lot of times, when couples get together, they rarely have interest in each other. It’s the friendship of building that foundation. The point of what I’m saying is, you don’t have to be in love to get into the relationship. It takes time, and it’s more of a growing process. When you go through the phase of building the foundation, the love interest will come. That’s why I always say “Let Love Find You!” because you’re letting life take you places. You’re letting things take you places. You’re sailing to where a road may end up. You’re on the journey’s path, not the other way around.

Isn’t it crazy how sometimes we can hang out with our friends, but when a conflict happens in which they’re interested in someone else, our world can be shot down? Or maybe when something happens, we’re so quick to help that person out and protect him/her? That’s because the foundation has been established within our hearts and minds. We have seen what the person has to offer, and now it can be taken a step further to what Love. Like the old biblical saying “Love is patient, and Love is kind.”

When I was young, crushing was about seeing that girl on the playground and falling in love. Now that I’m older, I think any crush is just a phase, until I am ready to see what we BOTH can offer as friends. Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t date anyone, but I atleast would like to get to know them in a deeper way. That’s why as two people, we have to learn how to grow into the relationship. I go by this…

Every relationship must have what I like to call “The Three F’s.” This is something I live by everytime someone asks the question “What do I want in a relationship?”

Faithful: How faithful and loyal are you to this person? Are you faithful to his or her family? Are you faithful to her wants and needs? You must establish the loyalty.

Fun: Every relationship should be an enjoyment both to and of each other. What fun and exciting things are you doing within the relationship? This keeps the excitement going. It’s healthy to have a fun relationship where you can be yourself and also explore the different types of intimacies within.

Freaky: You must keep the spice in the relationship alive. It’s very healthy to maintain pleasurable activities in the bedroom. This does your body good, and increases the physical side of being intimate with each other. There are tons that couples can do that will advance sexual activity. This is the medicine to a healthy sex life.

Conclusion: Too often, we’re so quick to wanting and jumping to have a relationship without taking the time to fully get to know someone. We always forget this very first phase, and it can quickly pass us in a blink of an eye. Build your solid foundation without the idea of liking someone. Let the love grow through friendship. And realize that this is where the true intimacy/foreplay begins. And last but not least, never judge a book by its cover. Or should I say, never judge a human by its social media.

With Love,

Ronald Atkinson.

When we say "I Love You"

Has it ever occurred to you, that when you do something for others, they often don’t return the same love and affection? Yes, we all know that people will never return the same type of love that you give, but I’m talking about when people take your kindness for granted.

I always do stuff for others, and yes, that includes crushes at one point in time. It’s interesting to see how much I’ll do for them, they’ll be happy and thankful on the spot, but when we’re not presently face-to-face, we’re all strangers, and we don't acknowledge each other. They take your soul for granted.  They may not give back as much as you give to them, but they don’t speak the words, or show the actions of love and kindness. They don’t accept one lick of a friendship, relationship, or anything to deal with you.

We need to know, that when we say “I Love You!” to someone, we don’t say it, but we actually show and mean it. I’m not saying that we must shower someone with gifts, but there is always something we can do to give back. Keep in mind, don’t say it to others just to be nice. It’s crucial to know when someone can pick-up on your actions and words.

A saying that I want to leave with you, was given to me on Cyber Dust, it reads…

Sometimes, People who say “I Love You” don’t mean “I love your soul,” but mean “I love the attention you give me.”

Let Us Remember!

While many people are out, celebrating this weekend with barbecues and pecan pies, let us not forget what this day is truly about. Too often, we get this holiday confused with Veterans Day, and suddenly, we have turned Memorial Day into another fourth of July celebration. After seeing my friends and family serve in the military, and watching them go through the most painful situations, it does my heart so good to see them serve. It was also one of my dreams to even join the military. If I had to choose any job in the military, it would be to guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. To be honest, that was my dream job. However, things have to change, but throughout my ROTC years, the best part of military balls, was to watch the symbolic, prisoner of war ceremony. The room was quiet, and we stood at the door. While everyone sat at there tables, there was one that was empty, and nobody caught on. Slowly we marched to the table, one by one, and It went a little something like this.

A Cadet begins to speak these exact words.

            ‘YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE TABLE SET BEFORE YOU. IT IS FILLED WITH SYMBOLISM. I WILL EXPLAIN.

THIS TABLE IS SET FOR OUR PRISONERS OF WAR AND THOSE MISSING IN ACTION — FROM ALL WARS.

THEY ARE NOT WITH US TODAY. THEIR CHAIRS ARE EMPTY, BUT SAVED FOR THEIR HOPED RETURN. LET US REMEMBER THEIR ABSENCE.

LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE. LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES ARMY. LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES NAVY. LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS.

LET US REMEMBER THE MEN AND WOMEN PRISONERS OF WAR FROM ALL BRANCHES OF SERVICE THAT ARE TOO OFTEN FORGOTTEN. LET US REMEMBER THEM.

THE TABLE CLOTH IS WHITE, SYMBOLIZING THE PURITY OF THEIR INTENTIONS TO RESPOND TO THEIR COUNTRY’S CALL TO ARMS — SO THAT THEIR CHILDREN COULD REMAIN FREE. REMEMBER.

THE LONE CANDLE SYMBOLIZES THE FRAILTY OF A PRISONER ALONE, TRYING TO STAND UP AGAINST HIS OPPRESSORS. REMEMBER.

THE BLACK RIBBON ON THE CANDLE REMINDS US OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT BE COMING HOME. REMEMBER

THE SINGLE ROSE REMINDS US OF THE LOVED ONES AND FAMILIES OF OUR COMRADES IN ARMS WHO KEEP THE FAITH AND AWAIT THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER.

A SLICE OF LEMON IS ON THE BREAD PLATE TO REMIND US OF THEIR BITTER FATE — IF WE DO NOT BRING THEM HOME. REMEMBER.

THERE IS SALT ON THE PLATE, SYMBOLIC OF THE FAMILY’S TEARS AS THEY WAIT AND REMEMBER.

THE GLASSES ARE INVERTED. THEY CANNOT TOAST WITH US TONIGHT — MAYBE TOMORROW, IF WE REMEMBER.

THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE RIBBONS ARE TIED TO THE FLOWER VASE BY A YELLOW RIBBON THAT REPRESENTS THE YELLOW RIBBONS WORN ON THE LAPELS OF THE THOUSANDS WHO DEMAND, WITH UNYIELDING DETERMINATION, A PROPER ACCOUNT OF OUR COMRADES WHO ARE NOT AMONG US. REMEMBER.

THE FADED PICTURE ON THE TABLE IS A REMINDER THAT THEY ARE MISSED VERY MUCH AND ARE REMEMBERED BY THEIR FAMILIES. REMEMBER.

AS WE LOOK UPON THIS EMPTY TABLE, DO NOT REMEMBER GHOSTS FROM THE PAST, REMEMBER OUR COMRADES.

REMEMBER THOSE WHOM WE DEPENDED ON IN BATTLE. THEY DEPEND ON US TO BRING THEM HOME.

REMEMBER OUR FRIENDS. THEY ARE THE ONES WE LOVE — WHO LOVE LIFE AND FREEDOM AS WE DO.

THEY WILL REMEMBER WHAT WE DO. PLEASE HONOR AND REMEMBER THEM.’

Let us never forget, and let us remember that this day isn’t about a barbecue, nor are we just thanking the veterans and service men and women, but we’re honoring and remembering those who have died. Let us all remember and mourn with those military families.

 @RonaldAtkinson9

The Intimate Activities of Friendship

Intimacy can come in many forms that we don’t often see or realize. We often think of intimacy as something physical and sexual. It can also mean something “Non-sexual.” Here’s a thought that had struck my mind last week. Before two people would get into a relationship, they become friends. Once they are friends, they have already established a connection. As a connection is first established, they have already jumped the mark that most couples don’t do until they begin their relationship. And that’s doing intimate activities with each other, becoming intimate. Sometimes as friends, one person will develop desired feelings for the other person, ask him or her out, and then somehow it makes things a tad bit awkward because the other person will feel that things may not work out, and it will jeopardize the friendship/ relationship. When the person doubts a relationship, they’re afraid of moving forward. They’re afraid to get a bit closer with the friend, but forget how they have already become an intimate couple.

When reality sparks, we forget to see the intimacy build up when we associate ourselves with other people of the opposite, or same sex. The only thing that holds people back from a good relationship is the mind, and the mind can control a lot of situations that will cause setbacks and doubt.  So if your mind is telling you to hold back on the relationship, why not keep going and let the love/Intimacy continue to increase? You've already done many intimate things with that person when you even didn't realize it. It takes reality and physicality to begin a relationship, but it takes the mentality to hold everything back. Stay ahead of the mind.

If the intimacy of a friendship is great for a friendship, it can be great for a potential relationship. Here’s a list of activities that friends do everyday that will possibly grow into a better relationship. You’ll be surprised at the intimate things you’ve done.

Watching TV/movies together.

Going to events, dates, or shopping.

Sharing secrets.

Hugging.

Sharing drinks.

Phone conversations and talking in person.

Cuddling.

Have deep philosophical discussions.

Holding hands or linking arms.

Sharing jokes.

Smiling to each other.

Laying your head on someone’s shoulder.

Body massages, scratching backs, or tickling.

Playing with each other’s hair.

Talking about the future.

Hand writing notes to each other.

Singing together or playing instruments .

Dancing.

Feeding each other.

Brushing your partners hair

Sharing food and cooking together.

Sitting knee to knee across from each other.

Reading books together.

Taking care of someone when your partner is sick.

Talking about the relationship (how I feel with you, How I feel w/ this relationship)

discussions about yourselves (like flaws, shortcomings, passions, stuff)

Being physically/emotionally vulnerable.

Sleeping together.

Meditating or sharing spirituality.

Sharing hobbies.

Moral support for major events.

Crying, sharing emotions, and comforting each other.

Camping and hiking.

Sleepovers.

Sharing online social media.

Cleaning someone else’s living space.

Going with them to a doctor/therapist.

Doing art together.

Volunteer together.

Work together.

Talk about wants and desires.

Experiencing new things together.

Playing games and sports together.

Long walks together.

Being respectful and kind to one another (helping them do things, open doors for them etc.)

Sharing responsibilities (chores, babysitting etc.)

Giving each other presents, special things from the heart.

Talking about, and respecting each others boundaries.

Grooming in front of each other.

Electronic Communication.

Gazing in each other’s eyes and complimenting each other.

Making faces at each other.

Sky watching.

Write poetry.

@RonaldAtkinson9

Valentine's Day: Through My Eyes

Last year on my blog, I talked about ways that couples can plan ahead and fix delicious, themed meals. This year, I just want to talk about Valentine’s Day in general. Of course, I will be spending it with people who I love, with the community that I love. I will be in a production called “A Trip To Bountiful”. Long story short, go see it and get your tickets if you’re in the area.

First and foremost, what is Valentine’s Day? Well, it’s actually a Christian holiday that observes a martyr named, Saint Valentinius. Apparently, there are several martyrdom stories that exist around Saint Valentine, but some of the common stories include that he performed weddings to soldiers who were forbidden to marry, and was imprisoned. Before he was executed, he wrote a letter to his daughter that signed “Your Valentine” as a farewell. Of course, though it’s celebrated on the day of his death, many more stories circulated, and it wasn’t until the middle ages that Geoffrey Chaucer associated this day as a way to express courtly loved.

There are many people who are taken. There are many people who are single. Those people who are single understand that sometimes Valentine’s Day can be a useless holiday that doesn’t really mean anything. Often times, they would like to celebrate it as Single Awareness Day, in hopes to enjoy the day with their single friends. People who are in relationships would do the usual, cooking, dinner and movie date, buy flowers and other gifts to make them feel special.

Growing up, Valentine’s Day appeared to be that holiday in which we’re not taught the history and meaning behind it, but we’re always left to think that it’s the time of the year where we buy kid cards and cupcakes to pass out to our classmates. I only had one crush on a girl in my early elementary school days.

Middle School

Middle School comes along, and I found out how big it started to become. I remember that we did candy grams in school. My very first year, students who wanted to send valentine gifts to their loved ones, had the chance to go buy the gifts ahead of time around lunch time, and then it was saved so on Valentine’s Day, it came to the students in classrooms at random times. I also remember how big it was when I saw other people getting gifts such as a bouquet of flowers, big stuffed animals, gifts, and all sorts of candy. That’s when I realized how big it truly must be. I was single at the time, but I did do something. I wrote poetry at the time. I gave my “elementary school crush, a poem. Thought she’d like it.  Then came seventh grade, the year when I wasn’t interested in dating. Actually, yes I was. But Valentine’s Day, I really cared less. Eighth grade came, had a crush on another pretty young lady. This was the year that I went out of my way. I had bought her a ring, a card, and passed notes to her. I even wrote poetry about her, and even bought so many gifts for her. It was an interesting year. Did I ask her out? Yes. Did we go out? Not at all.

High School

Once high school came, Valentine’s Day wasn’t as huge as it was in middle and elementary school. Sure, everyone had gifts. We did candy grams as fundraisers, but something was still missing. The lack of energy, and love, is what was missing. I soon thought to myself, where’s the meaning of it all? Well as a high school student, this was the time period where love can be expressed in school, but we’re old enough to at least take our valentine on a date. Dinner, Movie, or anywhere special. I still remember my high school crush. If it was Valentine’s Day, what would we do? To be honest, I would give her many gifts, and even take her for a dinner. However, I was unable to have that sort of freedom, well for my first year. Anyways, I’m not going to write about my entire high school relationship career, but from the whole high school tenure perspective, I really thought to myself that Valentine’s Day isn’t always about gifts and dates. Sure, we show appreciation and love to one another, but sometimes, it takes more than one holiday to show your significant other, how much you really love and appreciate someone.

When I began college, nobody actually cared about it. Why? because you never seen it expressed out in public. Valentine’s Day for many couples appears to be a private matter. Some couples don’t take the time to celebrate the holiday itself, but to enjoy spending time with each other to enjoy each other’s presence. On Cyber Dust, it was brought up to a question, “What type of gifts do men like to receive for Valentine’s Day?” I thought about it, and I replied with a simple response. “The only gift I want for Valentine’s Day, is the love, appreciation, and happiness from my woman.”

Folks, This is perhaps my longest blog, but I want you to treat everyday as if it is Valentine’s Day. Love and Appreciate each other. That’s what makes Valentine’s Day, special. If you’re unable to celebrate it because  you’re single, distanced, or not romantic enough with fancy plans, just go out and enjoy something. It doesn’t have to be too big, but the enjoyment of each other’s company. Friends, that goes for you.

Be Romantic

o   Plan something for the two of you

o   Express your true love through poetry, music, or some sort of creative writing.

o   Buy gifts, but keep in mind, what’s the value and thought of those gifts? Where will they benefit in twenty years?

o   Enjoy a breakfast, lunch, or even both. It never has to be about dinner.

o   Always express what you mean to that person you’re dating, or with. Make it very meaningful, and always express the gratitude to each other.

For those who are single, or have broken up with their loved ones, don’t be peer pressured. Don’t get down in the dumps that you have to let a holiday ruin your mood. It’s all about what you’re most thankful for, whoever who’s made an impact in your life. Be thankful, and understand that down the road, there’s plenty of opportunities to go after.

I’m more of the Romantic type. Even though I’ll go out of my way of gifts, poems, and expression, I also have to realize that it’s not about that. Now I’m at the point to continue to be romantic, but I never forget the true gift on Valentine’s Day, is happiness, love, and thankfulness.

Ronald Atkinson